Are You Emotionally Intelligent?

I first read about emotional intelligence (EI) around the late 1990s, when Daniel Goleman, in his first book Emotional Intelligence, introduced the concept of how the brain can regulate our emotions in order to deal with people effectively. Since then, I have come across books linking the significance of emotional intelligence in the workplace and in our relationships with others.

How important is emotional intelligence? Numerous research indicate that it is a strong predictor of success particularly in the workplace. For instance, as of September 2008, at least there were 57 consulting firms that used EI as their model, 90 organizations specialized in EI training or assessment, 30 offered certification programs, and 5 "universities" offered EI courses (see www.eq.org).

You are emotionally intelligent if you have the following characteristics, based from the Four-Branch Model of IE (see Mayer, et al.):

Accuracy in emotional perception. People with emotional intelligence have the ability to perceive emotion in children and adult faces, voices, and postures. Hence, people with EI can correctly identify emotions such as happiness, sadness, anger, and fear in others just by observation. They can also identify fake emotions.

Use of emotion to facilitate thought. Individuals with emotional intelligence use their emotions to come up with good decisions. They also know what emotion is appropriate at a given time. For example, a parent who is confronted with a child having a temper tantrum knows how to respond emotionally, compared to a parent who is frustrated and may use destructive strategies to manage a child in this state. In short, emotionally intelligent people use emotion to "think through" solutions.

Understanding emotion. This refers to the awareness of one's own and other's feelings and being able to react or respond appropriately. This ability links emotion perception and emotion regulation. For instance, in a business situation where negotiation and solving problems can create a stressful situation, an emotionally intelligent person understands the real emotion behind the actions of others and therefore is able to offer solutions proactively.

Managing emotion. People with emotional intelligence are able to regulate and manage their emotions. As such, they reframe their perceptions of situations. Hence, when a conflict arises in the workplace, emotionally intelligent individuals are able to exert considerable emotional self-control. This is sometimes referred to as "grace under pressure".

If you want to find out your EQ (emotional quotient or intelligence), click here.

Should you have questions or comments, write them down in the section "Comments" below this article.

References:

Joseph, D. L., & Newman, D. A. (2010). Emotional intelligence: An integrative meta-analysis and cascading model. Journal of Applied Psychology, 95(1), 54-78.

Mayer, J.D., Roberts, R. D., & Barsade, H. G. (2008). Human abilities: Emotional intelligence. Annual Review of Psychology, 59, 507-536.


Suggested Readings:

Being Happy

If you are one of those individuals who are prone to depression, perhaps it is time to reflect why. Is it because you are homesick, frustrated, anxious, and worried about many things going on in your life? If so, you are not alone. The US National Institute of Mental Health revealed that major depressive disorder affects approximately 14.8 million Americans each year. And specialists predict that depression would become the 2nd most common health problems in the world. 

However, you can change your mental outlook from being depressed to being happy. Being happy means having a sense of purpose, meaning, and being positive. It means flourishing despite difficult circumstances.

Here are some ways whereby you can happy:

Reframing. Reframe your negative thoughts into positive ones. Don't bury your head under the sand and wait for happiness to come because it won't. You have to learn to see the bright side of things if you want to nudge your self to be happy.

I remember a short anecdote by one of my Jesuit professors, Fr. Agathonico Montero, about two prisoners who were inside their cramped prison cell. One was a pessimist, the other an optimist. The pessimist went to the window and looked out. He grumbled about how muddy and dirty the ground was. The optimist went to the window, looked up, and exclaimed, "Wow, look at the blue sky and the sun shining brightly!" Same prison cell, same window, same reality but different outlook. Seeing the positive goes a long way into making you happy.

Being Kind. Commit to doing acts of kindness everyday. Studies suggest that acts of altruism lowers stress and could enhance mental health. Helping somebody in need can give you instantaneous joy. I have experienced this recently while shopping at London Drugs.  I saw an old man struggling to place 25 cents into a tiny hole in a long bar where pushcarts are attached. I immediately came to his aid and carefully tucked the 25 cents into the hole, releasing a pushcart. His smile while thanking me lit the entire store for me that day.

Remembering good times. Instead of recalling your painful past, focus on happy times. Recalling moments of laughter and fun with family and friends enables you to realize that there is so much good in your life, that the world is a good place to live in. Look at photos, read emails or letters, and appreciate the corners of delight in your life as you recall the good times.

Using signature strength. Signature strength is a strength of character deeply embedded in who we are. Philosophers call them virtues. Each time you use your signature strength you will experience a burst of positivity. This is because these strengths define who are at your best. 

If one of your signature strengths is honesty, then you will feel good when you practice it at every level of your life, not just at yourself. If your signature strength is creativity, then you will feel marvelous each time you create something original. If your signature strength is love, then you will feel wonderful giving love to family and friends.

Psychologists have recently identified 24 cross-cultural strengths that best contribute to human flourishing. Find out where your strengths are, utilize them in various situations, and you will feel your personal awesomeness.

Being grateful. No matter where you are now in life there is always something to be grateful for-- your health, your eyes, your hair, your feet, the unexpected gift, the smile of a child. 

Be grateful for the "givens" in your life. You need not have been here so be grateful for being here. You need not have been a parent so be grateful for the opportunity to love your child in a way that only you can. 

Be grateful too, for defeats, failures and pains. They are your best teachers in garnering success and achievements.

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Suggested Readings:

A Philosophy of Sex and Love (For Adults Only)

Between lovers, sex is not separate from whatever is happening in their inner landscape. The sexual aspect is present when lovers cuddle in the morning, their legs intertwine in unspoken care; it is shown in the hours that a wife spends in cooking her husband’s favorite meal; it is expressed when a husband brings pink roses to his wife to surprise her; it is found in little flirtations and jealousies scattered silently, in the aches felt by lovers who are separated by distance, in the excitement of a kiss or in the slow pleasure of lovemaking.

There is no meaning and fulfillment in sex without the presence of love. Love must be in attendance for bodies in conjunction to experience real ecstasy. Love must lend fire to caresses and kisses—it heats up the loins and accompanies the undulating bodies in their desire for oneness, pleasure being its path. According to Sam Keen, “We get to the essence of sex faster with love than when we get to the essence of love by starting with sex.” If we start with sex in our quest for intimacy, it will be difficult to go back to the route of care, commitment, responsibility, compassion, and tenderness. But if consider first the elements of love, sex becomes the deepest expression of one’s essential self. It is a gift we bring to the beloved in the wonders of our bodily contours, wetness, and hardness amidst pants and moans. In this context, sex is the physical expression of our soulish nature where the other’s pleasure becomes as important as ours because we love. Sex is therefore not the end but the means towards fulfillment, intimacy and unity.  In love, sex becomes sensuous and erotic.

When does sex become sensuous and erotic? When at first there is love. You don’t choose to be sensuous and erotic but rather you become sensuous and erotic the moment you love. It doesn’t happen right away. It is a gradual awakening, a slow impulse, and a flicker that slowly ignites until it becomes fire. You become sensuous and erotic when your love takes on wings even if there isn’t any wind to make you fly. You become sensuous and erotic when your days and nights are interspersed with thoughts of your beloved, your senses flooding you with sexual yearnings because you love. You become sensuous and erotic when desires mingle with feelings of tenderness, when lovemaking is truly a celebration of love, and when, in the afterglow, love becomes immensely glorious like a spiritual conquest dotted with bouquets of languid kisses.

What does it mean to be sensuous? It is the exquisite sensation of love rippling through your bones and flesh. It is an aphrodisiac that liquefies the unbending to become yielding, the soft to become hard, and the dry to become wet. Sensuousness is a gift of the spirit that makes the heart quiver, makes the body tremble, making the lovers catch glimpses of the sacred in the profane, eternity in temporality. To be sensuous is to feel a heightened sense of touch, taste, sound, scent, and texture. This heightened sense is brought about by your acute awareness of the wonders of the other as a person.  To be sensuous is to be a lover in the truest sense of the word—to be a loving human being.

What does it mean to be erotic? It is to become carnal in love. It is giving desire to your love, making love aflame without pain. It is a loving surrender to the throbbing of organs paving the way for rapture. The erotic is the longing you feel for the beloved, like a subtle yet steady cadence of a waterfall. It is the thirst for the many ways of pleasure in the miracle of the body of the person whom you love. It is pleasure accompanied by care, commitment, responsibility, compassion, and tenderness.

There is no sexual technique, practice, or wisdom to be learned other than what is involved in mastering how to love. There is no greater aphrodisiac than love itself. No sex toy could ever replace the pleasure that the beloved’s body could bring. The best way to become a good sexual partner is to focus on becoming a loving human being. One has to pay attention, listen, empathize, be compassionate, and be sensual if he wants to become a good sexual partner.  Nothing more, nothing less.

There are men and women who have mastered the craft of sex. They know the different sexual positions, know just the right pressure, the right touch, and the right words to say. They are the best sexual performers similar to the great acrobats in circuses. But performance for the sake of pleasure is without self-revelation, awe, or spiritual vulnerability. In contrast, sincere lovers may remain amateur in the art of sex yet their lovemaking transport them to the world of the enchantment, where their hesitations become wordless desire, where their shyness brings more allure, where their inexperience becomes love’s liquid fire.

Life's Magnificence

Being involved in something meaningful--be it a relationship, a career, or a community project--allows us to experience life's magnificence. Life gives to us what we give to it. And by life we mean the whole existential gamut--humankind, animal-kind, plant-kind, and the ecosystems. 

Life is so rich, pulsating with vitality, that it is impossible not to be drawn to it, either in a big or small way.  In a way, we could say that life has chosen us through our birth. But since then, and until the time we die, we inadvertently choose life.

Yet how do we choose life? Are we driven each day to work and feel less grateful to life because of workplace stress and politics? Do we feel unhappy because our relationship falls short of our expectations? Are we so sick emotionally that it is difficult to get up in the morning and greet another day?

We choose life when we are grateful. We are not here to outdo each other in material things, titles, or honors received. However, we are here to outdo each other in kindness, understanding, and love. And because we cannot live without others (parents, relatives, friends, strangers) it is important that we feel grateful to the people in our lives who have contributed to who we are and what we have become.

We choose life when we create the best for ourselves. We can choose to be mediocre but we know it is not choosing the best for us. Choosing the best for us--whether it be education, a life partner, a business--requires putting the bar higher for excellence, not perfection. When we choose the best for us, we are indirectly choosing the best for others. If it were not for Thomas Edison's desire to be his best--despite 2000 failures--there would have been no light bulb in the world today and the rest of us would still be using candles or LPG-driven lights.

We choose life when we learn to forgive. If we were to count all the people who have wronged us and the terrible things they have done to us, we will be spending the rest of our lives in misery. We should not take things personally when people hurt us otherwise we get stuck emotionally. The only way to make a clean slate is to forgive and move on. An unforgiving heart is a heavy load to carry.

What are you giving back to life?

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I welcome comments and reflections from you. Share your experiences about the people you are grateful to, the goals you are striving to creating your best self, and the people you have forgiven to make your journey lighter.

I would love to post your answers here in my next article. Use the "Comments" button and write your reflections.

Until then, be blessed!

Believe In Yourself

Success in whatever you do is largely determined by your belief in your self. Of course, there are other factors to consider such as education, environment, and support from family and friends. However, belief in your self is the basis from which dreams--big or small--become reality.

Belief in your self springs from two sources-- self-awareness and courage. Self-awareness involves an understanding of what you can do and what you can be. It allows you to “scan” your self in full dimension to know the parameters of your limits. Courage is your ability to execute what you want to do within and beyond your perceived personal limits.

In 1977, Terry Fox, a Canadian, discovered that he has a malignant tumor in his right leg. He was only 18 years old. The night before his right leg was amputated, he read about an amputee runner and decided he would run even with only one leg to fight cancer.

Terry Fox started his marathon in April 12, 1980, running an average of 42 kilometers a day through six provinces with only one leg. His goal was to raise $1 from every Canadian to fund cancer research. 

By September 1, 1980 cancer has spread through his lungs and he stopped running just outside of Thunder Bay, Ontario. By this time, Terry has covered 5,373 kilometers, running a total of 143 days. By February 1, 1981, his dream of raising $1 from every Canadian was realized. At this time, the Canadian population was 24.1 million. Terry’s run netted a total of $24.17 million.

Terry died in July 28, 1981. He was 22 years old.

You can learn a lot from Terry Fox’s story: What might seem at first to be unattainable and insurmountable becomes possible when you believe in your self.  Your belief determines your action and your action determines your results. But first you have to believe in your self.

It is appropriate to close this article with the song, “Believe” by Josh Groban. The last four stanzas of the song say it all:

Believe in what you feel inside 

And give your dreams the wings to fly

You have everything you need

If you just believe

References: 

Mercer, S. (2008). Learner self-beliefs. ELT Journal, 62(2), 183-183.

Terry Fox and the Foundation. Retrieved from: http://www.terryfox.org/Foundation/Facts.html

Suggested Readings:

Our Digital Age: From book to ebook

I am reading a provocative book, I live in the Future & Here's How It Works. I am more than halfway through it. It is written by Nick Bilton, lead writer and technology reporter for the New York Times' Bits Blog and a reporter for the paper. The book, which I consider as experiential and insightful, discusses why our world, work, and brain are being creatively disrupted by the digital technology in the 21st century.

Bilton, who calls himself a nerd, describes how the media world has been radically transformed from print to digital form. Newspapers and magazines--used to be delivered at the door--are now being viewed in computers and in devices such as the iPhones, iPods, and iPads. Books, which are still available in print, are now accessible via iBook and Kindle. Before, you have to go to a theatre to watch a movie. Now you can download any movie you want in your computer or iPad. Before, you have to buy a CD to listen to your favorite singers. Now you can download your favorite music from iTunes for only $0.99 each and you don't have to buy the whole album.

You can now buy items from the comfort of your home, using your computer, without having to drive near and far to get them. You can buy all kinds of items from various parts of the world. All you need is a PayPal account or a credit card.

Today's digital world is fast, convenient, and cheaper compared to the way we have been doing things in the past. 

Last Monday, I went to the University of Calgary to attend a talk about publishing your thesis into a book. The person who gave the talk was one of the editors of the Toronto University Press. From his presentation, I got the impression that the process of converting one's thesis into a book and that of publishing it is almost as difficult as writing one's thesis in the first place. The book will have to be reviewed by internal editors and critiqued by experts outside the university. I estimated the whole process could take from two to three years before one's book finally lands in the bookstores.

There is always the other alternative if one wants to avoid this long, arduous process--to publish one's book as an ebook. This way, you are the actualizer. You are not dependent on publishers. You don't experience rejection from editors. But you have to be able to write well. And you also need to hire a good editor for a flawless result.

Bilton is right about how the digital technology has disrupted our world, our work, and our brain. But the disruption is a positive one, something that brings us closer to one another at the press of a key.

As we continue to adapt to our digital media, we can look forward to reading our friends' books in our iBook or Kindle one of these days. Let me know should your book becomes available as an ebook.

I welcome comments and questions, as always. You can write your comments at the Comments section at the end of this article.

For those interested in buying Nick Bilton's book, it is available below with just one click of your mouse.

Have a good weekend, everyone!

The Time to Love is Now

There was a time in my life when I thought that love has its natural place and time. I think  the Bible's  "there is a time for everything" quote came strongly on me. But that was when I was younger. Now I know better. 

The time to love is now, this very moment. I want to utter this in all its simplicity along with its urgency. Do not wait until the persons you love are no longer around to show them you care.  Or you may not be around anymore to tell them you care. Living is meant for loving. And if living is now, loving is also NOW.

This essay is not going to discuss the problematic level of why we love, whom to love, and its justifications. This essay intends to transcend the level of analysis. Love is an urgent matter. It has to be attended to NOW.

We are just human--we want to love well but we are full of paranoia. What if they will not love me back? What if I'd get hurt?  What if they' will not love me back? What will people say if.....and the list of "what ifs" could go on and on. So we retain the mask of counterfeit security, afraid of the risks, too proud to be "wounded" by love. That is why we do not love or cannot love.

Perhaps we need to be careful, I admit. We cannot afford unwanted pregnancies, don't welcome marital infidelities, separations, and the tearing apart of the inner self that accompanies loving. We cannot bear to wallow in self-pity in case we are betrayed by a friend or  by a lover.  

A close friend of mine died about a month ago. She was 89 years old. Her frail body could no longer contain her soul, a soul so animated and thirsty for living. I never got to talk to her before she died. I kept telling myself I'd see her. When I learned that she has died, I felt the ache of wasted afternoons when I could have visited her and told her she's a beautiful human being and that I'll always remember and love her. Now she's gone.  And no amount of languishing on my part is going to bring back those lost moments I could have spent with her "because I was so busy"--the universal justification for delaying our loving.

We risk more if we wait. Life is so uncertain. The exquisite bloom of the rose will be gone very soon. The father you never miss because he's been around a lot will one day be gone. We have the nasty attitude of not wanting what is there and wanting what isn't there. Should we wait until what we want is no longer there, for us to begin to want it?

Love is not expensive, you know, unless you want to make it so. It only takes some kind words, a squeeze in the hand, a pat in the back, a brief phone call, a short letter. At times, love invites us simply to listen, to understand, and to share our inner world with with whoever needs us to be "there." At most, love demands our time, our feelings, our mind, and even our soul. These are the rare moments when love is best expressed and genuinely received. And unless we are capable of the small and big responses in love, we remain solitary creatures.

I remember having read an article about love. Although the author's name is forgotten, his words remained: "The second most difficult thing in the world is to live, to love, and to grow with somebody.  But the most difficult thing is to live alone."