Grieving

Dear Readers:

My beloved husband, Deane McIntyre, died suddenly last June 24, 2011.

I would like to take time off from writing my weekly article as I grieve his passing.

Here is the link to his obituary: http://www.legacy.com/can-calgary/Obituaries.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonID=152269937

Thank you so much for following my articles.

~Amy

Learning from Shania Twain

When everything goes without a hitch,

where's the challenge,

the opportunity to find out

what you're made of?

~Shania Twain 

One of the many gifts I received on my birthday from my hubby, Deane, is Shania Twain's memoir, From This Moment On (buy it here). I had placed a hold of this book in the Nose Hill Library but there were 373 people before me, and even though there are 18 copies to go around, it would takes months before I can finally read it. I am grateful for Deane's loving thoughtfulness.

I have started reading Shania's book which detailed her early childhood.  I am now in Chapter 7, where she described 1978 as the worst year of her life. She just turned 13. Extreme poverty, her parents' constant marital conflicts (which oftentimes turned violent), her mother's severe depression--all this has caused fatigue and stress in what she calls her "dysfunctional home". In this chapter, this young teenager narrated how she helped her mother and younger siblings escape to a shelter for battered women to put an end to the domestic violence in her family home.

Shania Twain, whose real name is Eilleen Twain, is one of five children born into poverty in rural Canada. Her family often didn't have enough food that she sometimes would go without breakfast or without lunch in school. In -25 degree Celsius she would go outside during recess despite wearing only worn-out rubber shoes with plastic bags over her socks to keep her feet dry.

What can we learn from Shania Twain from the first six chapters of her book? 

Living a frugal life. Shania never complained about eating goulash (boiled milk poured over broken pieces of dry, white bread and topped with brown sugar) most of the days. Looking back, she saw the benefit of a simple diet with little meat as a better choice to fattening, synthetic, refined foods.

Lesson: To live a frugal life is to live simply. Why buy more than you need?

Being resourceful. Even when Shania's family had enough to eat, they would make food last. Shania learned how to ration food and prepare meals just enough to go around with nothing left over. She was able to make things last and to make something of value from simple things. 

Lesson: When you don't have the resources, you can learn to be resourceful, thus empowering you to be more self-sufficient. 

Following your dream. At age 7, Shania learned how to tap melodies on a cheap electric keyboard. At age 8, she learned to play the guitar. At age 10, Shania started writing lyrics for songs. Her music became her savior. She began to perform during house parties of relatives. Although she was petrified being on stage, she would muster enough courage to sing. Her dream was to write songs and sing as a back-up singer. Guess what? Aside from being a five-time Grammy Award winner,  she is now a best-selling artist in Canada, having sold over 80 million albums worldwide. 

Here are a couple of my favorite songs: Forever and For Always and You're Still The One.

Lesson: Find those dreams you have tucked inside you and bring out your best, magical self by going in the direction of your dream. It's a risk but it's worth it.

The power of Shania's book lies in her ability to write about her life in an honest way. In her introduction, she hopes that her life story will serve as a guide or as an inspiration to others who are struggling to find meaning in their life.

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I will continue to read this book and will share what I have learned from it next week.

Until then, leave your comments below.

Have a wonderful week, my dear readers!

Are You An Optimist?

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity. 

An optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

~Winston Churchhill

Optimism is about great expectations. We expect our future to be rosy. We expect our relationship to last. We expect the economy to bounce back. We expect our kids to do well in life.

Optimism is a belief about the future, the belief that more good things than bad can be expected (read Breaking Murphy's Law, 2007). And the belief that the future will be much better than the past is known as the optimism bias (read The Optimism Bias by Tali Sharot, 2011). 

If it were not for our optimism bias, writes Sharot, we might still be all cave dwellers, still huddled together, dreaming of light, heat, and food.

Optimists, according to a Duke University study, have better career prospects and are more likely to get promoted compared with those who have a pessimistic attitude. Further, researchers at the University of Pittsburg discovered that optimists live longer, healthier lives than pessimists. 

How do you know if you are an optimist? Below are some indicators to gauge if you are one, according to Sharot:

You expect your life to turn out better--to be be able to afford that nice house on the hill, to find perfect love, to obtain a high-paying job, to finish your MA or PhD degree, to write that riveting, award-winning novel.

You expect your children to be extraordinarily gifted, you envision yourself as achieving more in life than your peers or former classmates, and you imagine having a long, healthy life.

Even when you experience unfortunate events, you automatically confirm that your misfortune is a blessing in disguise. Losing your job, being diagnosed with cancer, or your marriage ending up in divorce--all these, you believe, may lead to more fulfilling life events, as you look for the silver linings in the storms of your life. 

When you encounter difficulties, Tali Sharot comments that your brain seems to possess the philosopher's stone that enables you to turn lead into gold and helps you bounce back  to normal levels of well-being. Sharot's research in brain imaging shows that the brain is hard-wired to encode only the positive information. So when you read success stories like Oprah Winfrey, Steve Jobs, or Bill Gates, your brain will note the possibility that one day you could also become immensely wealthy and popular.

However, the optimism bias can lead to overly positive assumptions. Thus, you might less likely to get your regular check-up, apply sunscreen, open a savings account, or bring your umbrella on a cloudy day. Too much optimism can bring about unexpected illness, financial hardships, or simply getting wet in the rain.

So if you are an optimist, try not to be overly positive. Get your medical check-up, apply your sunscreen, save money, and yes, bring your umbrella. 

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I hope you have learned something important in this week's article.

Leave your comments below.

Have an amazing week, dear readers!

Savoring Life

Savor life's tiny delights - a crackling fire, 

a glorious sunset, a hug from a child, 

a walk with a loved one, 

a kiss behind the ear. 

~ John Anthony

Is life like a blur for you or is it something you savor every moment? Do you bathe yourself in feelings of anger, anxiety, guilt, and fear or do you find amazing moments here and there?

The way you experience life can be anything from boredom to ecstasy. Studies show that resilient and happy people look for and focus on the positive aspects of a situation (read Alicia Salzer's Back to Life, 2011).  

There are four elements to savoring life, according to Fred B. Bryant and Joseph Veroff (see Savoring: A New Model of Positive Experience). I will summarize them below:

Basking. Sometimes you are too self-conscious in accepting admiration. Yet to savor life, you need to bask at people's congratulations and admiration when something good happens in your life (e.g., graduating from MBA, having a baby on the way, getting a promotion). Soak up the glory and relish being in the limelight once in a while. It is good for your self-esteem and for your happiness quotient.

Thanksgiving. Communicate your gratitude to others by a simple, "Thank You". Only two words but they are a powerful way to acknowledge and appreciate gifts and blessings. Delight in what others have given you, whether it is great or small, material or spiritual. Acknowledge that you have arrived at this point in life because of the contributions you have received from others.

Marveling. Be amazed with life and its wonders, from a child's tiny fingers to the earth's magnificence. Be filled with awe and wonder at the morning sunrise, the smell of coffee, the light rain, the newly-opened flower, the beauty of the human body, the grandeur of the universe, and your being here to experience all these. 

Luxuriating. Derive pleasure from sensory experience--the smell of perfume, the sound of your favorite music, the sensual touch of your partner's hand, the taste of mango, the warmth of summer afternoons, the colors of a rainbow. Indulge in some healthy (and ethical) gratification you can afford (e.g.. a spa, a trip to the beauty saloon, a body massage). 

Savoring can lead to some great emotions like profound gratitude, passionate tenderness, serenity,  contentment. It can be used as a survival skill, a coping mechanism, and an antidote to unhappiness.

To savor, anticipate the good things coming your way, lose yourself in the moment, relax and enjoy the experience.

Learn to be a habitual savorer and squeeze more juice out of pleasurable events.

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Hello, my dear readers! I hope you have learned something good from my article this week that will translate nicely into your life.

As always, don't forget to leave your message below.

Carpe diem!

Redefining Power

In order to succeed, people need a sense of self-efficacy, 

strung together with resilience to meet the inevitable 

obstacles and inequities of life.

~Albert Bandura

In my first autumn here in Calgary, Alberta (year 2002), I planted 120 tulips in two garden beds which had some pre-existing irises and bleeding heart flowers.

I have never done any gardening before and I thought that if I can grow flowers in our front yard, I will be fine in my new life here in Calgary. The planting season here is only 120 days or even less. I was told that planting anything here, in Zone 3 hardiness, is a science. I comforted myself that if those 120 tulips will grow, then I can succeed and flourish here.

The tulips bloomed the following spring in resplendent yellow, red, black and white colors. I received a lot of compliments from passers-by. Growing tulips and being successful in gardening has taught me a different kind of power, a personal one. It is called self-efficacy.

What is self-efficacy? Albert Bandura defined it as our belief in our ability to succeed in our goals. It pertains to our perception of how competent we are and of our ability to master difficult tasks instead of avoiding them. The way we view our self-efficacy determines the personal power we have over our ambitions, tasks, and challenges.

Personal power is not about having a prestigious job or having a lot of money, although most people think these constitute power.  Personal power is having a belief that we can change things in our lives for the better. It is a defining characteristic of resilient people.

Two kinds of self-efficacy. There are two kinds of self-efficacy. The first one is external efficacy--the belief that we have the power to get things done in the outside world. It may involve the power to speak up and be heard, to have an effect, to make a change.

The other type of self-efficacy is internal efficacy--the belief that we have control over our internal world, the understanding that we are at the helm of our own emotional journey. Our emotions are at the mercy of our thoughts and our thoughts are under our voluntary control.

A truly resilient person has both internal and external self-efficacy. But internal efficacy is where it all begins. For instance, it means being able to pull ourselves out of depression, anger, numbness, or feelings of trauma.

Personal power then is having the confidence that we can restore our psychological equilibrium if we have lost it, that we can take positive action in improving our wayward negative emotions, and that we can start somewhere, believing we can accomplish something good.

As for my gardening, I have been planting all kinds of flowers and even vegetables since that fall season of 2002. I have since added five more garden beds to the existing two. I have created a butterfly garden two weeks ago to support and sustain dwindling number of butterflies and bees. 

And yes, I have proven to myself I can succeed and flourish here.

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I hope you have learned something positive by reading this article and previous ones.

Please leave your comments below. 

Have a good week, my dear readers!

Are You Flourishing?

I’ve come to think that flourishing consists of putting yourself 
in situations in which you lose self-consciousness and 
become fused with other people, experiences, or tasks. 
It happens sometimes when you are lost in a hard challenge, 
or when an artist or a craftsman becomes one 
with the brush or the tool. 
~David Brooks

A person is considered to be flourishing if they perceive that their life is good, that it is going well. Flourishing is a combination of psychological well-being and effective functioning.

Individuals who are flourishing "learn effectively, work productively, have better social relations, are likely to contribute to their community, and have better health and life expectancy" (see Huppert & So, 2009).

People mired in addiction or severe forms of depression and anxiety are said to have mental health problems. They might be experiencing difficulties and unhappiness. As such, they are described as "languishing".

To flourish, an individual must have all three core features below and at least three of the six additional features (Seligman, 2011). I will briefly discuss them.

Core Features

Positive emotions. These emotions can range from amusement, awe, gratitude, to inspiration, peace, empathy, and happiness. It is fueled by the desire for enjoyment and unity, and therefore takes the whole into consideration--interacting with others and whatever is worth connecting to in your world.

Engagement. Did time stop for you? Were you completely absorbed by the task? Engagement is being in the "flow," of being focused, with emotions and mind aligned to accomplish goals and projects.

Meaning. This is "belonging to" and "serving" something that you believe is bigger than the self. Being involved in a cause (i.e., running for breast cancer, advocating to eliminate child poverty) provide meaning and purpose to one's life.


Additional Features

Self-esteem. Do you like your self? Self-esteem is a crucial feature because it affects how you think, act, and relate to others. Self-esteem is your opinion of your self, the value you place on your self.

Optimism. This is the ability to see the positive side of things, of looking at the glass half full (instead of half empty). It is being hopeful and confident about the future or successful outcome.

Resilience. Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, or crisis. It is "bouncing back" into shape and to thrive despite unfortunate experiences.

Vitality. This is the state of being strong and active. It is the ability to endure, to be fully alive (not just  partly alive) and be enthusiastic about life. Goals cannot be realized without vitality in mind and in body.

Self-determination. This is the ability to make choices without external interference or pressure. Ernest Henley sums this up neatly in the last stanza of his poem, Invictus:  "I am the master of of my fate, I am the captain of my soul."

Positive relationships. Human beings are meant to relate to one another. Feelings of indescribable joy, the sense of profound meaning, and the highlights of your life took place around other people. Other people provides antidote to the ups and down of life--providing shelter when life is stormy and oodles of sunshine when life is good.

The primary question to you, my dear reader, is: Are you flourishing? Do you experience the three core features of positive emotions, engagement, and meaning? And do you experience at least three of the six additional features?

Why is it important for you to flourish? To flourish is to grow, to develop, and to become the human person you were meant to be or wanted to be. Dreams are concretized when you flourish. The world is a better place when you flourish. Other people become your inspiration when you flourish. You feel good and on top of the world when you flourish. Need I say more?


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Have a good week, dear readers! As usual, leave your comments below. Take care!

Acquiring Resilience

Whatever it is, if it doesn’t make you happy, walk away, give it away to someone else who wants it. Let it be their next dream; let it flee from you. Then you have room to grow, to allow magnificent things to fill the vacuum of those seemingly empty places. When you hold onto yesterday, when you hold onto dead and dying adventures, you have no room in your box for greatness.

~Author Unknown

One of the ways to develop resilience is to embrace change. Realize then that your situation is not carved in stone. You have the power to change your life if your situation contributes to your unhappiness and suffering. 

I know of some people who stay in a loveless marriage because of their children. I have unhappy friends who are stuck in their job because they need to have an income to support their family. I know of some women who are mistreated by their husband but don't know where to to go or what to do, so they stay.

Stagnation will get you nowhere. The change that comes with developing your resilience will propel you towards a new direction, to an undiscovered greatness, and to a strength you thought you never had. 

Acquiring resilience would depend on the following self-efficacious behaviors:

Can you pick yourself up? To develop resilience, you must be able to wither life's problems and traumas by picking yourself up, getting on with your life, and getting the resources you need to soothe yourself. This inevitably requires change, from being in a dormant state to a flourishing one. To flourish means choosing positive emotions over negative ones, to be engaged in some worthwhile pursuits  rather than be stagnant, and to live a life of purpose as opposed to being aimless (see Martin Seligman, 2011).

Can you solve your problems? To acquire resilience means you believe that all problems have a solution, that you have the ability to find the answers, and that you can free your self from  problems that inhibit you from following your dream. You are realistic enough to know that life will always have problems yet you have the inner confidence that because you have solve previous problems, you are better equipped to solve new ones. In due time, you would have gained the wisdom to navigate life's problems without fear and apprehension.

Are you raised in a supportive environment? Resilience involves being raised in an environment where people believe in you, where people see the best in you, and where you are allowed to learn from your mistakes. You need role models from family, friends, and relatives who demonstrated how they pulled themselves together in times of crises and difficulties. You need people in your environment who modeled what it is to have positive attitude despite hardships (see Alicia Salzer, 2011).

What is your coping style? Acquiring resilience means being able to respond fittingly to events that you have no control of. Salzer describes four emotional coping styles and I will summarize them below: 

1. The Mouse: The coping style of the mouse is to ruminate and spiral into negativity. You could feel exhausted, overwhelmed, hopeless, powerless, in need of rescuing, or in need of escape.
     
2. The Bull: The coping style of the bull is best described as anger. In your world, there is a right and wrong, a way things should be done, and you harbor past slights and fantasize about revenge.


3. The Bee: The coping style of the bee is that of engaging in a whirlwind of activities but you are not particularly aware of how you are feeling beneath the surface. You get more than in a day than most people do in a week and you are often highly accomplished.
   


4. The Wolf: The coping style of the wolf is staying calm, cool, and in control. You rarely lose your temper and you don't burst into spontaneous tears. Past experience taught you that the only person you can count on is yourself.

Can you try these? If you think your coping style does not allow you to be resilient, you can try the following alternative coping style to stage your own rescue intervention, according to Salzer:

• Borrowing the tools of your heroes: You can use the example of your heroes (or other people you admire) to help you explore alternative ways of responding and coping with challenges. 


• Assume a character you want to be: Choose a character who has a better coping style than your own and go to the real world and play out this character as if cameras are rolling. Behaving like your character may set you in a new direction emotionally, one that will help you better able to cope.

Becoming more resilient involves change, a movement from one situation to, hopefully, a better one. You would need to harness your ability to stand up if you fall, brush yourself up, solve your problems, be surrounded with supportive people, improve your coping style, and most importantly, to believe in yourself.

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I hope this article will help you thrive and flourish to become more resilient.

As usual, please feel free to leave your comments below.

Have a good week, my dear readers!