Japan: Mending the Broken Pieces

The strongest oak of the forest is not the one that is protected 

from the storm and hidden from the sun. 

It's the one that stands in the open where it is compelled 

to struggle for its existence against the winds 

and rains and the scorching sun.

~Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)

I had planned to write about happiness this week. However, the events in Japan, with its untold human suffering, made me decide to write this piece. No one who has seen disaster like this remains untouched.

Today I will write about two important research findings: the mirror neurons in the brain and post-traumatic growth. The former enables us to respond to the Japanese people's experience of crisis while the latter enables the Japanese people to respond to their crisis.

Mirror neurons. In the last decade, scientists found mirror neurons in the brain-- "specialized brain cells that can actually sense and then mimic the feelings, actions, and physical sensations of another person" (Iacoboni, 2008). These neurons are responsible for our capacity to empathize with others when they experience misfortune or to feel joy with them in good times.

These mirror neurons enable us to "copy" the sufferings of the Japanese people, as if we are there, as if we are the Japanese. These brain cells make us empathize and care even for complete strangers who are experiencing crisis and tragedy.

We might go on our daily business as Japan continues to cope and grieve in the midst of the immense devastation. But a part of us is also trying to cope and grieve. A part of us wants to help. Thanks to these brain neurons, we are capable of "being with" them in their time of pain and grieving.

Post-traumatic growth.  Although we normally think of recovery as a positive outcome after a disaster, studies show that there is a positive outcome of another kind, called post-traumatic growth (PTG) . Other terms used for this positive outcome are personal transformation, thriving, resilience, positive life change, stress-related growth, and meaning reconstruction. 

Studies reveal that great suffering or trauma can actually lead to great positive change across a wide range of experience (e.i., Madrid bombings in 2004, the 9/11, illness from cancer). What kind of positive growth? Increases in spirituality, compassion for others, acceptance of life's paradoxes, and heightened existential awareness (see Gerrish, Dyke, & Marsh, 2009). The positive growth that comes from trauma is not only a "bouncing back" but also a "bouncing forward" (Pat-Horenczyk & Brom, 2007).

How can the Japanese people cope with what is happening now and after? They can bounce back if they can return to the pre-crisis conditions. Or they can bounce forward and reconstruct their lives. However, there might not be a return to normalcy in events of this magnitude--the earthquake, then the tsunami, and now, the possible radiation problem. Hence, the Japanese can choose to bounce forward (see Walsh, 2004).

Below are some of the ways the Japanese people can bounce forward:

Developing new modes of thinking: 

1. Accepting that suffering is part of the universe and that their world (and also ours) has irrevocably changed.

2. Creating new meanings out from their losses and being grateful for what are left untouched (being alive, the capacity to care and love).

3. Being open to the notion that the worst of times also brings out the best in most people (i.e., positive psychological growth). 

4. Being aware that recovery from traumatic events is not found in quick and easy solutions but in perseverance and in struggling well.

5. Being hopeful in finding new strengths, untapped potentials, and creative efforts in the re-building process. Hope, which is future-oriented, is the strongest predictor of mental health (see Raphael and Ma, 2011).

Developing new modes of acting:

1. Re-connecting with families, relatives, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. Positive growth from trauma is nurtured by supportive relationships.

2. Volunteering, in whatever capacity, to ease the pain and suffering of the general population. The benefit one derives for one's self is as great as that which one gives to others, according to Dr. Sam Goldstein.

3. Asking help from other people when everything seems insurmountable. This is the time to let go of individualistic attitude in favor of collective efforts.

4. Focusing on the problems head-on, from the most urgent to the most important (i.g., identifying who need more resources and protection).

5. Turning to one's faith as a source of solace and comfort. Religious activities can moderate depression and stress, based on numerous studies. 

In a globally connected world, the suffering of the Japanese is shown in an instant. We grieve with them, in an instant. Their pain is our pain, their loss is ours.

Yet, let us not forget the innate resilience of humankind. We have survived through indescribable suffering in the past from various disasters, both man-made and natural.

The Japanese survived through World War II and earthquakes in the past. Although this recent event may be more catastrophic, they will rebuild, recover, and build a stronger nation. And although this could take time, they will get there eventually.

Japan can mend the broken pieces and become whole again.

*********

Note to my readers: Leave your message in the Comments box below.

Be blessed.

References:

Gerrish, N., Dyke, M. J.,  & Marsh, A. (2009). Post-traumatic growth and bereavement. Mortality, 14(3), 227-244.

Pat-Horenczyk, R., & Brom, D. (2007). The multiple faces of post-traumatic growth. Applied Psychology: An International Review, 56(3), 379-385.

Raphael, B., & Ma. H. (2011). Mass catastrophe and disaster psychiatry. Molecular Psychiatry,  16, 247-251.

Walsh, F. (2002). Bouncing forward: Resilience in the aftermath of September 11. Family Processes, 41, 34-36.

Are You Happy? Part I

Happiness is not in our circumstance but in ourselves.
It is not something we see, like a rainbow, 
or feel, like the heat of a fire.
Happiness is something we are.

John B. Sheerin

If I ask you what makes you happy, what would be your answer? 

Is it your spouse, your children, your work, your friends? Is it having money, a nice house, a new car, a Mac computer? Is it reading books, cooking a meal, planting a garden, listening to music?

Since we are unique human beings, what makes you happy might not make others happy. 

However, what makes you happy says a lot about you as a person.

If you are happy with small things (the smell of roses, the taste of brewed coffee, the sight of an herd of deer) or with simple activities (reading a good book, gardening, listening to music), then it is easy for you to be happy in life. Perhaps you are a person who feels grateful about what you already have. You count your blessings and that is a sure way to make you happy.

If you are happy with big things (having lots of money, a huge house and a new car every 3 years), chances are you have been working extremely hard  to have acquired all these. The world's top 3 billionaires (as of 2010) like Carlos Slim Helu, Bill Gates, and Warren Buffett came from humble beginnings. However, they were innovators and were willing to put a lot of time, energy, and focus in their endeavors. If you are rich or on the way of becoming one, then you are a highly driven person, success-oriented, and a risk taker.

If you are happy with helping others (donating to charity, delivering meals to seniors, helping street kids) then you are a miracle worker whose goal is to make others' lives a bit easier and better. Mother Teresa exemplifies a person whose happiness is found in helping others--the poorest of the poor. If your happiness is found in helping others, then you are socially-conscious, loving, and committed to find resources for those in need. 

What do studies tell us about happy people? Dr. Henry Cloud (2011), a psychologist, enumerated the following characteristics of people who are happy, based on large studies. Below is the summary:

Happy people are givers.  Research show that people who are givers, those who serve others and are altruistic are much happier than those who are not. Neuroscientists Jorge Hall and Jordan Grafman from the National Institutes of Health discovered that the pleasure centres of the brain (the ones that respond to food and sex) also light up when people think of giving to others. However, take note that giving past your resources (i.e., emotional, financial) may lead to unhappiness.

Happy people are not lazy about happiness. There is a difference between saying, "Good morning, Lord," and "Good Lord, morning". The first greeting is a trademark of people who invest their time and resources in building a fulfilling and meaningful life. The second greeting speaks of a lazy attitude, a lack of movement, an entropy. If you are happy, you will find the time and the resources to do what you love to do and be upbeat about it.

Happy people don't wait for someday. Happy people are happy "now", not when they get their first million, or write their first book, or find that dream person. Research show that people who are experiencing the joys and pleasures of the present are less likely to be stressed and depressed. People who are skilled at capturing the joy of the present moment, hanging on to good feelings, and appreciating things in the "now" are not dependent on a "someday when things get better" frame of mind. They make things better now.

Happy people pursue goals. Many people are out of touch of their true desires. They make goals out of other people's expectations. As a result, their whole heart, mind, and soul are not in what they do. What kind of goals do happy people pursue? Not just any goal. They choose goals that are intrinsic, the ones that come from who they truly are. They grasp goals that jump out of their heart that have been there for a long time. They make goals that are specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely (commonly known as SMART).

Happy people are fully engaged. Time seems to disappear when happy people are working on projects or activities they like. They experience what is called the "flow", when their emotions and mind are aligned at the task at hand. This experience is said to create spontaneous joy, even rapture.

Happy people connect. Happy people are deeply connected with family members, friends, and co-workers. They have a social support system whereby they are accepted for who they are, regardless of their mistakes and limitations. This way, happy people are not alone, not lonely, and definitely not isolated. 

Remember: Don't waste a minute being unhappy. If one window closes - run to the next window - or break down a door.

Next week, I will continue writing the rest of the characteristics of happy people, in summary form.

Meanwhile, leave your comments or questions in the Comments space below.

Have a happy week!

What I Love Most About Calgary

Today, I will digress a bit from writing about psychology and philosophy and will tell you about what I love most about Calgary, my home since December 2001. In 2009, the Toronto Board of Trade named Calgary as the best city on the planet. It has been judged in 2007 by the Mercer Human Resources as the cleanest city in the world, among 300 cities studied for their quality of living. For a map showing Calgary in the over-all Canadian landscape, click here.

I am fortunate to be in a place where the public libraries (17 branches in Calgary's 4 quadrants) are some of the best in the world. The holdings of each library boasts thousands of paper books, e-books, CDs, and DVDs. 

You can borrow up to 99 books or CDs, 30 DVDs, magazines, and 10 New & Notables at any a single time. 

You can find online the Best Sellers, Recommended Readings (books that have earned awards), the hottest title, the hottest author, and the hottest subject.

Obtaining borrowing privileges is easy. All you need is to show proof that you are a resident of Calgary, usually by showing a mailed envelope with your name and address on it and one other identification card. You are then given a library card which costs $12.00 for adults, $9.00 for seniors, $6.00 for teens, and free for children. Your library card, which has a barcode for convenient borrowing, is good for one year.

You can borrow books and other items using any of the self checkout machines or by going to a human librarian who will give you a smile and a warm hello.  Loan periods are 3 weeks for most books, CDs, magazines, and e-books. You can renew books three times after your initial borrowing, with each renewal good for one week. You can return books at any of the 17 branches.

You can request for items online to be be put on hold for you and you can pick them up at the library branch of your choice. The procedure is like magic: you search for books, put them on hold, assign a library branch of your choice where you want to pick them up, and usually within a week, you will receive notification by email that your books are ready for pick-up. 

And as if that is not enough, these 17 library branches have free programs and classes tailored to all ages, from teens to seniors. The programs include authors' readings, business and development, computer literacy, reading and writing, and something for everyone.

There are also used books for sale in every branch. Some of these books are only a year old and they are sold for 50 cents or a dollar each.

Deane and I are voracious readers. It is no wonder we regularly visit the Nose Hill library on weekends, the nearest branch to our house. I usually have 20 books to read at any given time. Most of the music in my iTunes Library are imported from CDs I have borrowed from this branch. 

I like being tantalized by books that expand my mind, uplift my mood, widen my understanding, and introduce me to new things I have never known before. For instance, I learned how to make swarovski bracelets three years ago by reading books on jewelry-making and I subsequently sold some jewelry at a nearby jewelry store. I learned how to be a gardener on this side of the world where the growing season is between 80-120 days, by reading books on gardening. When I feel down on the dumps, especially during winter when there is lack of outdoor activities and sunshine for me, I read books that remind me of the things I should be grateful for and why life is always meaningful, regardless of what I feel. And yes, there's the Garfield comics and Archie comics that never fail to entertain me before I sleep at night.

The Nose Hill Library has been my constant source of inspiration and information since my arrival in Calgary. There are still so many areas to explore in this city but for now, I would rather smell the books and explore the library shelves at this library.

My next write-up is about happiness. Watch for it next week. Until then, enjoy your week. Take care.

What Does it Take to be a Real Man?

I wrote this essay in 1996 and ever since, it has been borrowed and adopted by other writers online. I came across it lately while browsing the Internet and I decided to re-publish it here, hoping some of you will learn a thing or two about what constitutes true masculinity, from a woman's perspective. 

What Does it Take to be a Real Man?

©Amy L. Chaves

(Published at Xavier University Crusader, Feb. 1996)

Last December 1, 1995, during the Xavier Days revelry, a certain freshman student of the College of Engineering, attacked and assaulted my son who is also a freshman of the same college, without provocation and sufficient reason. His mother came to see me at our house, apologized, but justified his son's behavior as part of the need of adolescents to assert themselves to be considered "manly" or lalaki. Based from this erroneous and distorted concept of what it takes to be a real man, I write this modest essay with the intention of clarifying, not only to the student who assaulted my son, but  to all our male students, the true essence of manliness.

A real man need not prove himself. Only those who are still uncertain of their manliness will be driven by the desire to prove that they are real men. So they engage in brawls and fights. But a real man need not assume a combatant stance. He has the ability to discipline himself and to let go of hostilities that can cause not only conflicts but harm and injury on others.

A real man is therefore one who has the inner strength and wisdom to distinguish between what is right or wrong behavior even in the most difficult situation. One need not be another Jean Claude Van Damme or Sylvester Stallone to be considered a real man. It is not only a matter of muscles but of substance that a man is made of.

A real man is not egotistical. Only an insecure person has the need to assert himself always, that he is right, and that he is the best; that always "the world owes him a living;" that people must always bow down and submit to him; that his world is at the center of everything else, to the prejudice of others. 
  

A real man is caring. Although he considers his own needs he also considers the needs of others and takes a healthy pride in valuing and appreciating others.  Down with egotistical men! What we need are grown-up men who have undergone the difficult process of coming to terms with their own weakness and capitalizing on their weakness to gain inner strength. We need men who can appreciate others without feeling less of a man.

A real man does not wear a mask of toughness. In fact, a real man is gentle. He is not afraid to be vulnerable and therefore need not show that he is tough. He is solid inside and is therefore not afraid to be vulnerable on the outside.  A real man knows when to be tough--when his rights or that of others are being violated; when he must act courageously, as a matter of principle, and not just of false pride; when he must be a protector of the down-trodden and the innocent--this he does with the right intention and at the right time.

A real man does not follow the crowd. He does not smoke, drink or take drugs just to be considered "in" or in vogue. Maleness or masculinity is not only a matter of smoking or drinking.  A trained monkey can do that.  A real man is an individual who is not controlled by advertisements in the media which insinuates that a real man takes brandy, "pang rrrromansa, espesyal!" Or that a real man must smoke Hope and then be surrounded by women in bikini. It takes more than drinking or smoking for a man to be a real man. It takes guts not to be part of the faceless, nameless, and irresponsible crowd.

A real man does not bend the rules. A real man not only knows the rules but respects the rules. He knows the importance of rules in life. Those who bend the rules are lopsided men with lopsided minds and are therefore not real men. They are the ones who, later in  adult life, become corrupt and cruel. Out of their legacy also comes malevolent and ruthless men who not only bend the rules but even the Law to their advantage. They are the cunning men who not only lack integrity but also honesty.

A real man is moral.  A real man not only recognizes the importance of ethical life but is downright ethical in whatever aspect of his life is involved whether it is the personal or the social. He knows, for example, that it is wrong to take advantage of innocent women. He values women regardless of status or qualifications. Those who seduce or rape women are not real men--they have another "kingdom:"  the "kingdom genitalia". In this kingdom, only the genitals are paramount. The head and the heart are non-essentials, almost non-existent. This is the kingdom occupied by men who are amoral particularly in the aspect of love.

Before I close, in case you are one of those trying to be a real man or are in the process of becoming one, let me tell you this: it will be a long and difficult process, a long upward climb. It might take years. But it will be worth the climb and the time. It may entail getting rid of some parental domination-- overprotectiveness and extreme forms of dependency--that may impede your personal growth to be a man. It may mean loosening your grip from some "barkadas" (peers) who may have negative influences on you--the drug addicts, the habitual drinkers, the womanizers, and the happy-go-lucky. It may require learning to love and to appreciate yourself starting now: an unrepeated, special person. It may necessitate behavioral control to ward off combatant behavior and channeling your energy into some worthwhile pursuits--the Campus Ministries may need a chapel aide and the world could surely take another environmentalist. It may mean respecting women, being more gentle to them, and refraining from sexist remarks. It may require becoming more duty- and responsibility-centered: studying, fulfilling class requirements, helping parents in home-making are some of these. It may mean integrating prayer into your life and relating to God in more profound ways than one.

Others may write more on this topic but for now, I challenge the men in this campus to become real men. They need not wear fancy clothes and put on sophisticated manners.  They need not be avant garde or oozing with self-confidence. They need not look like Keanu Reeves and smell of Lagerfield perfume. It might not be easy to spot the real men.  But review this article, observe, befriend some men. If you can find one real man, bring him to me. He deserves, at the very least, a kiss!

Languages of Love

We cannot rely on our native tongue if our spouse does not understand it. If we want them to feel the love we are trying to communicate, we must express it in his or her primary love language.

~Gary Chapman

I had two surprises this Valentine's Day from my husband, Deane. One was a dozen roses, which he gave me last Friday night, saying that he bought them early in case the rose supply runs out. As you know Canada imports roses primarily from the US. That was my first Valentine surprise.

The second Valentine's Day surprise I received from him was this morning. I found them on my side of the dining table. There was a dandy Valentine's card with a touching dedication, complete with all the red and pink colors and a sapphire stone on top of the card. With the card was an iTunes gift card worth $50 and a book by Gary Chapman, entitled "The 5 Love Languages".  Deane is the sweetest person when it comes to knowing what gifts to give me.

I thought I would share with you what Gary Chapman has to say about the 5 languages that will make love last. They are summarized below:

Love Language 1. Words of Affirmation: Since words has the power of life and death, use words that build up. Verbally affirm each other by using verbal compliments and words of appreciation such as "Wow, you look hot in that dress", "Thanks for picking me up on time", "I love how you are responsible", and say them sincerely. This is not about flattery. The intention in doing this is for the well-being of the one you love. As Mark Twain once said, "I can live for two months on a good compliment." Don't forget the importance of how you speak--use kind words, make requests but don't demand. 

Love Language 2. Quality Time: This means giving someone your undivided attention. It means taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other and talking. Try quality conversation, which is a sympathetic form of dialogue where the two of you can share your experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires, in a friendly, uninterrupted context. Whereas words of affirmation is all about what we are saying, quality conversation is about what we are hearing. In addition, quality time involves quality activities to experience something together--putting up a garden together, visiting historic neighborhood, cooking together. Quality time in terms of doing activities together will serve as  positive memory bank in the years to come. 

Love Language 3. Giving Gifts: (Gary Chapman titled this sub-heading as Receiving Gifts. However, in reading this section, I have the impression that it was more about giving than receiving. So I took the liberty of renaming this sub-heading.) Gifts are visual symbols of love. It is not only the thought in the mind of the giver that counts but in actually securing the gift and giving it as an expression of love. Gift-giving, which need not be expensive, is  an investment in your relationship, fulfilling your spouse's emotional love tank. A more important gift is the gift of your self, when you are physically present when you are needed the most. Being in the hospital with your wife when she has a health problem or being around to cook chicken soup for your sick spouse are examples of self-presence, contextualized as the gift of presence.

Love Language 4. Acts of Service: Cooking a meal, washing dishes, vacuuming, paying the bills, fixing the leaky faucet, bathing the baby, and helping with house chores--these are all acts of service and when done with a positive spirit, they are expressions of love. However, love is a choice and cannot be coerced or demanded. Acts of service must stem from recognizing the emotional needs of your spouse. Show your love with the following examples: helping with house chores--"Today, I will show my love by..."(complete the sentence by doing some house chores); changing the nag into tag (what one act of service has your spouse nagged about consistently?).

Love Language 5. Physical Touch: Physical touch is a way of communicating love. It includes holding hands, kissing, hugging and sexual intercourse. It can make or break a relationship. To touch your spouse in a way that is pleasurable is communicating love. Insisting on touching her/him your way and on your own time, in a manner that is uncomfortable or irritating can communicate the opposite. It implies that you are not sensitive to your spouse's needs and you care very little about her/his pleasure. We cannot always change events but we can survive if we feel loved and one way of experiencing love is to be touched. This is obvious when, in a crises or tragedy, family members would hug one another for comfort and solace. 

Gary Chapman suggested three ways to discover your primary love language (out of the 5 languages):

1. What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you is probably your love language.
2. What have you most often requested of your spouse? The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
3. In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse? Your method of expressing love may be an indication that that would also make you feel loved.

So there you go, the book by Gary Chapman in summary form. I hope you can learn something about your language of love to help you improve your relationship with your spouse or partner.

Write your comments and leave your message by clicking the Comments link below.

Have a great week, dear readers! 

Making Love Last

Perfect love is rare indeed - for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain.

~Leo Buscaglia

No other personal investment is as risky and as painful as the love investment. Because the nature of love coincides with our deepest core as human beings, when love goes wrong our soul goes wrong. It is as though each molecule in our body aches and suffers. Either slowly or suddenly, we feel that the solid ground upon where we stand is not there anymore. We become insecure and our mind plays tricks on us. We ask so many whys and we engage in so many what ifs.

The statistics about marriages, which are supposedly contracted out of romantic love, are dismal. There were 71,783 divorces in Canada in 2001, the last year when statistics were available. In the US (see #2 Raw Numbers), there were 957,200 divorces in year 2000 (excluding the non-counting states), with most marriages ending in divorce in the early years of marriage. In the Philippines, a predominantly Catholic country, the Office of the Solicitor General received 43,617 cases of annulment and separation from 2001 to 2007.

We need to make enormous efforts in preventing our love relationships from going wrong, otherwise we could become part of the divorced or separated statistics. We cannot afford the wrenching pain that results when families are torn apart with children suffering the most. Therefore, the important question to ask ourselves is: How do we make love last? 

I searched for evidenced-based journals to find out what can be done to make love last. However, there are no "fit-for-all" techniques that will ensure a lasting love because relationships are complex and contextual.   Below are some vital strategies, a love map you might say, to make your love relationship last. 

Communicate well. If the mantra for business is location, the mantra for love relationship is communication. We need a kind of communication that runs through the fabric of trust, respect, honesty, understanding, integrity, forgiveness, and compassion. The best form of communication is listening. We need to listen with our heart because what is usually unsaid is what is most important. Criticizing seldom works. What is effective are the following words: "I am sorry, please forgive me." "This is what I feel at the moment and this may not have anything to do with you." "This might hurt but here's the truth." "I would like to understand you better so tell me more." "Is there anything I can do for you?"

Be faithful. A relationship rarely survives infidelity. An affair strikes at the core of trust, even if it is just a one-night stand or even if there is no emotional attachment. It is a violation of sexual exclusivity between two people who are married or in a conjugal relationship. And it never "just happens." It takes motivation, opportunity, and planning (read Woman Who Stay With Men Who Stray). Buffer your relationship against the possibility of infidelity by prioritizing your relationship and paying attention to it. You need to spend quality time together (without the kids in tow) and refresh your intimacy, and make each other feel great, desirable, and wanted. 

Make time for sex. Some time apart is healthy and even necessary to nurture one's self and pursue one's interests and dreams. However, don't put sex in the back burner. Try spending at least one weekend every two months alone with your partner. This will improve your sex life, mood, and relationship. Engage in pleasurable diversions in mini-honeymoons. Learn how to give and receive pleasure. Be an excellent lover! 

Nourish each other. Do little things for each other everyday--the loving phone calls, the winks, the smile, the hugs, and the kind words. Cook for your mate once in a while or serve breakfast in bed. Remember those anniversaries--when you first met, your first kiss, and other wonderful events in your life together. These little things could add up to nourish your relationship and could cushion everyday stresses as well. 

Be couple-centered. There is a tendency for couples to give their attention to their children and neglect each other. Recognize that you are there for each other first, that you are each other's best friend. Being parents comes after that. When a marriage is too-child centered, it will suffer. When you begin to call each other "Mommy" or "Daddy" it is time to go back to "Honey" or "Darling" to make you aware that you are still each other's lovers (and not each other's parent). 

Manage your finances. Money problems is one of the leading causes of divorce or separation. Living up to the Joneses will create tension in your relationship. Remember that persons are more important than things. Live simply and want what you already have. Be honest about what you value and align your financial values in terms of affordability and need. 

Accept each other. Acceptance requires respecting and affirming each other's uniqueness. It does not mean tolerating abuse, dishonesty, and unethical activities. It means letting each other be and giving each other the space to grow and blossom. It also means tossing aside the need to change each other to suit expectations and your want for perfection. Walk away from a relationship marked with chronic infidelity and abuse. Accepting each other should not involve suffering of this kind.

Be proactive. Start the day by asking yourself this question: "What can I do today for this person I love?" Initiate family activities--cooking together, playing together, shopping together. Develop family rituals--reading to kids before bedtime, praying before sleeping, celebrating special occasions. Establish connections with in-laws, relatives and friends.

There are other hundred little ways to make your love last. What I have outlined here are just the major ingredients that will have positive impact on your relationship. 

If romance is like building a sandcastle, you then need to continually rebuild and ultimately create a stone castle.

I would like to close this write-up with a poem I wrote in October 1975 when I was 19 years old and a new English instructor. This was published in the Crusader Publication of Xavier University. This poem is my Valentine Day offering for all lovers in the world.

A Passionate Lover to Her Beloved

 © Amy Morales Labitad (1975)

kiss me

with eager lips

but don't consume me

else nothing would remain of me.

touch me

with such delicious warmth

Oh, tenderly!

but don't cling too lightly

else it would become a necessity.

beloved,

passion is a crazy, tricky feeling.

kiss me....

touch me....

 leave me half-awakened....

  but forever wanting!

********

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you! May you love with all your heart, mind and soul and receive whatever you dream of in love. May this earthly life be your paradise.

As always, I welcome comments, questions, and contributions from you, dear readers. Click the Comments link below and leave your message.

Conceptualizing Love

While researching for evidenced-based journal articles about how to make love last, I came across an article by Beall and Sternberg (1995) about the social construction of love.

I will summarize the four conceptualizations of love they have mentioned for you. Let me know what you think by leaving your comments in the Comments section below.

1. Love is a universal emotional experience that is defined similarly in all cultures. This means that people in every culture experience love in the same way and all cultures share the same definition of love. Therefore, the definition and experience of love in Italy is the same in the US, in Canada, and in the Philippines. No real differences.


2. Love is a universal emotional experience that is defined differently in all cultures. In this view, people in every culture experience love in the same way, but cultures interpret the experience in different ways. Hence, some cultures might define love as infatuation while other cultures would define it as romance. 
   
   
3. Love is not a universal emotional experience. It changes according to its cultural background; however, all cultures share roughly the same view of it. This means that people in different cultures experience love differently but define it similarly. 
   
   
4. Love is not a universal emotional experience. It changes according to its cultural background and is viewed differently in various cultures. This means that love is experienced and defined differently in cultures across different times and places.

Beall and Sternberg argue that there can never be a universal definition of love because any definition must reflect its time period and place. In short, love has to be defined, understood, and contextualized culturally. And when cultures define love differently, they experience it differently. Hence, two people who have different conceptualizations of love will experience love differently.

I would beg to disagree with Beall and Sternberg. I think human beings share some commonalities despite cultural differences and one of these is love. In fact, people of all cultures understand love, not because of a formal, universal concept, but because they live it--they feel it, they breath it, they dream of it. People understand love when they see lovers hold hands or kiss, regardless of what epoch or place these lovers are from. They understand what love is when they see a mother cuddle her baby, regardless of her color or belief. Photos of lovers taken in the 16th century evoke feelings of tenderness or passion in all of us in the 21st century. 

That is why Shakespeare is still read about today as he was during the Elizabethan period. His love sonnets depict passionate, tender feelings of people who are in love. There is nothing different in the understanding of love in Shakespeare's time and our time, even though he wrote about it from a different cultural milieu. An example of his love sonnet is below, telling us what love is:

...Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or Bends with the remover to remove.
O, no! It is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken.
It is the star to every wandering bark,
whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

What Shakespeare meant in this excerpt is that real love (one that has evolved from romantic love) does not change when certain aspects within or outside the relationship become different. It is dependable and tenacious despite hard times. Love is like a star that guides every traveller regardless of who he/she is.

If the definition and experience of love is culturally determined, there would be no shared universal values about love, marriage or family. There would be confusion, chaos and a lot of misunderstanding. 

I was once married to a person who shared the same culture I have. That marriage, despite my attempts to save it for the sake of my two sons, did not endure. I am now in a relationship with a Canadian person, whose culture is different from mine. Yet we have a solid and loving relationship despite my constant complaining of the cold weather during winter and regardless of his aversion to  durian and smell of salted fish. 

It is the praxis of love, not its essence, that might be culturally defined. For instance, here in Canada, the age of consent (when one can engage in sex) used to be 14 but it has now been changed to 16. During my mother's time, a kiss could result in a quick marriage because it was considered scandalous. During my time, a kiss was okay but premarital sex was still disgraceful.

Let me end this writing with Singer's (1984) essentialist notion of love, cited by Hegi and Bergner (2010):

“The lover takes an interest in the other as a person, and not merely as a 

commodity ...He bestows importance on her needs and her desires, even 

when they do not further the satisfaction of his own ... In relation to the 

lover, the other has become valuable for her own sake” (1984, p.6). 

I am inviting my readers to write their comments below.

Watch for my next article on how to make love last. This is a Valentine's Day special article.

Until then, have a wonderful day and take care!

References:

Bealle, A. E. & Sternberg, R. J. (1995). The social construction of love. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 12(14). doi: 10.1177/0265407595123006.

Hegi, K. E. & Bergner, R. M. (2010). What is love? An empirically-based essentialist account. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 27(620). doi: 10.1177/0265407510369605.