What I Love Most About Calgary

Today, I will digress a bit from writing about psychology and philosophy and will tell you about what I love most about Calgary, my home since December 2001. In 2009, the Toronto Board of Trade named Calgary as the best city on the planet. It has been judged in 2007 by the Mercer Human Resources as the cleanest city in the world, among 300 cities studied for their quality of living. For a map showing Calgary in the over-all Canadian landscape, click here.

I am fortunate to be in a place where the public libraries (17 branches in Calgary's 4 quadrants) are some of the best in the world. The holdings of each library boasts thousands of paper books, e-books, CDs, and DVDs. 

You can borrow up to 99 books or CDs, 30 DVDs, magazines, and 10 New & Notables at any a single time. 

You can find online the Best Sellers, Recommended Readings (books that have earned awards), the hottest title, the hottest author, and the hottest subject.

Obtaining borrowing privileges is easy. All you need is to show proof that you are a resident of Calgary, usually by showing a mailed envelope with your name and address on it and one other identification card. You are then given a library card which costs $12.00 for adults, $9.00 for seniors, $6.00 for teens, and free for children. Your library card, which has a barcode for convenient borrowing, is good for one year.

You can borrow books and other items using any of the self checkout machines or by going to a human librarian who will give you a smile and a warm hello.  Loan periods are 3 weeks for most books, CDs, magazines, and e-books. You can renew books three times after your initial borrowing, with each renewal good for one week. You can return books at any of the 17 branches.

You can request for items online to be be put on hold for you and you can pick them up at the library branch of your choice. The procedure is like magic: you search for books, put them on hold, assign a library branch of your choice where you want to pick them up, and usually within a week, you will receive notification by email that your books are ready for pick-up. 

And as if that is not enough, these 17 library branches have free programs and classes tailored to all ages, from teens to seniors. The programs include authors' readings, business and development, computer literacy, reading and writing, and something for everyone.

There are also used books for sale in every branch. Some of these books are only a year old and they are sold for 50 cents or a dollar each.

Deane and I are voracious readers. It is no wonder we regularly visit the Nose Hill library on weekends, the nearest branch to our house. I usually have 20 books to read at any given time. Most of the music in my iTunes Library are imported from CDs I have borrowed from this branch. 

I like being tantalized by books that expand my mind, uplift my mood, widen my understanding, and introduce me to new things I have never known before. For instance, I learned how to make swarovski bracelets three years ago by reading books on jewelry-making and I subsequently sold some jewelry at a nearby jewelry store. I learned how to be a gardener on this side of the world where the growing season is between 80-120 days, by reading books on gardening. When I feel down on the dumps, especially during winter when there is lack of outdoor activities and sunshine for me, I read books that remind me of the things I should be grateful for and why life is always meaningful, regardless of what I feel. And yes, there's the Garfield comics and Archie comics that never fail to entertain me before I sleep at night.

The Nose Hill Library has been my constant source of inspiration and information since my arrival in Calgary. There are still so many areas to explore in this city but for now, I would rather smell the books and explore the library shelves at this library.

My next write-up is about happiness. Watch for it next week. Until then, enjoy your week. Take care.

What Does it Take to be a Real Man?

I wrote this essay in 1996 and ever since, it has been borrowed and adopted by other writers online. I came across it lately while browsing the Internet and I decided to re-publish it here, hoping some of you will learn a thing or two about what constitutes true masculinity, from a woman's perspective. 

What Does it Take to be a Real Man?

©Amy L. Chaves

(Published at Xavier University Crusader, Feb. 1996)

Last December 1, 1995, during the Xavier Days revelry, a certain freshman student of the College of Engineering, attacked and assaulted my son who is also a freshman of the same college, without provocation and sufficient reason. His mother came to see me at our house, apologized, but justified his son's behavior as part of the need of adolescents to assert themselves to be considered "manly" or lalaki. Based from this erroneous and distorted concept of what it takes to be a real man, I write this modest essay with the intention of clarifying, not only to the student who assaulted my son, but  to all our male students, the true essence of manliness.

A real man need not prove himself. Only those who are still uncertain of their manliness will be driven by the desire to prove that they are real men. So they engage in brawls and fights. But a real man need not assume a combatant stance. He has the ability to discipline himself and to let go of hostilities that can cause not only conflicts but harm and injury on others.

A real man is therefore one who has the inner strength and wisdom to distinguish between what is right or wrong behavior even in the most difficult situation. One need not be another Jean Claude Van Damme or Sylvester Stallone to be considered a real man. It is not only a matter of muscles but of substance that a man is made of.

A real man is not egotistical. Only an insecure person has the need to assert himself always, that he is right, and that he is the best; that always "the world owes him a living;" that people must always bow down and submit to him; that his world is at the center of everything else, to the prejudice of others. 
  

A real man is caring. Although he considers his own needs he also considers the needs of others and takes a healthy pride in valuing and appreciating others.  Down with egotistical men! What we need are grown-up men who have undergone the difficult process of coming to terms with their own weakness and capitalizing on their weakness to gain inner strength. We need men who can appreciate others without feeling less of a man.

A real man does not wear a mask of toughness. In fact, a real man is gentle. He is not afraid to be vulnerable and therefore need not show that he is tough. He is solid inside and is therefore not afraid to be vulnerable on the outside.  A real man knows when to be tough--when his rights or that of others are being violated; when he must act courageously, as a matter of principle, and not just of false pride; when he must be a protector of the down-trodden and the innocent--this he does with the right intention and at the right time.

A real man does not follow the crowd. He does not smoke, drink or take drugs just to be considered "in" or in vogue. Maleness or masculinity is not only a matter of smoking or drinking.  A trained monkey can do that.  A real man is an individual who is not controlled by advertisements in the media which insinuates that a real man takes brandy, "pang rrrromansa, espesyal!" Or that a real man must smoke Hope and then be surrounded by women in bikini. It takes more than drinking or smoking for a man to be a real man. It takes guts not to be part of the faceless, nameless, and irresponsible crowd.

A real man does not bend the rules. A real man not only knows the rules but respects the rules. He knows the importance of rules in life. Those who bend the rules are lopsided men with lopsided minds and are therefore not real men. They are the ones who, later in  adult life, become corrupt and cruel. Out of their legacy also comes malevolent and ruthless men who not only bend the rules but even the Law to their advantage. They are the cunning men who not only lack integrity but also honesty.

A real man is moral.  A real man not only recognizes the importance of ethical life but is downright ethical in whatever aspect of his life is involved whether it is the personal or the social. He knows, for example, that it is wrong to take advantage of innocent women. He values women regardless of status or qualifications. Those who seduce or rape women are not real men--they have another "kingdom:"  the "kingdom genitalia". In this kingdom, only the genitals are paramount. The head and the heart are non-essentials, almost non-existent. This is the kingdom occupied by men who are amoral particularly in the aspect of love.

Before I close, in case you are one of those trying to be a real man or are in the process of becoming one, let me tell you this: it will be a long and difficult process, a long upward climb. It might take years. But it will be worth the climb and the time. It may entail getting rid of some parental domination-- overprotectiveness and extreme forms of dependency--that may impede your personal growth to be a man. It may mean loosening your grip from some "barkadas" (peers) who may have negative influences on you--the drug addicts, the habitual drinkers, the womanizers, and the happy-go-lucky. It may require learning to love and to appreciate yourself starting now: an unrepeated, special person. It may necessitate behavioral control to ward off combatant behavior and channeling your energy into some worthwhile pursuits--the Campus Ministries may need a chapel aide and the world could surely take another environmentalist. It may mean respecting women, being more gentle to them, and refraining from sexist remarks. It may require becoming more duty- and responsibility-centered: studying, fulfilling class requirements, helping parents in home-making are some of these. It may mean integrating prayer into your life and relating to God in more profound ways than one.

Others may write more on this topic but for now, I challenge the men in this campus to become real men. They need not wear fancy clothes and put on sophisticated manners.  They need not be avant garde or oozing with self-confidence. They need not look like Keanu Reeves and smell of Lagerfield perfume. It might not be easy to spot the real men.  But review this article, observe, befriend some men. If you can find one real man, bring him to me. He deserves, at the very least, a kiss!

Languages of Love

We cannot rely on our native tongue if our spouse does not understand it. If we want them to feel the love we are trying to communicate, we must express it in his or her primary love language.

~Gary Chapman

I had two surprises this Valentine's Day from my husband, Deane. One was a dozen roses, which he gave me last Friday night, saying that he bought them early in case the rose supply runs out. As you know Canada imports roses primarily from the US. That was my first Valentine surprise.

The second Valentine's Day surprise I received from him was this morning. I found them on my side of the dining table. There was a dandy Valentine's card with a touching dedication, complete with all the red and pink colors and a sapphire stone on top of the card. With the card was an iTunes gift card worth $50 and a book by Gary Chapman, entitled "The 5 Love Languages".  Deane is the sweetest person when it comes to knowing what gifts to give me.

I thought I would share with you what Gary Chapman has to say about the 5 languages that will make love last. They are summarized below:

Love Language 1. Words of Affirmation: Since words has the power of life and death, use words that build up. Verbally affirm each other by using verbal compliments and words of appreciation such as "Wow, you look hot in that dress", "Thanks for picking me up on time", "I love how you are responsible", and say them sincerely. This is not about flattery. The intention in doing this is for the well-being of the one you love. As Mark Twain once said, "I can live for two months on a good compliment." Don't forget the importance of how you speak--use kind words, make requests but don't demand. 

Love Language 2. Quality Time: This means giving someone your undivided attention. It means taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other and talking. Try quality conversation, which is a sympathetic form of dialogue where the two of you can share your experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires, in a friendly, uninterrupted context. Whereas words of affirmation is all about what we are saying, quality conversation is about what we are hearing. In addition, quality time involves quality activities to experience something together--putting up a garden together, visiting historic neighborhood, cooking together. Quality time in terms of doing activities together will serve as  positive memory bank in the years to come. 

Love Language 3. Giving Gifts: (Gary Chapman titled this sub-heading as Receiving Gifts. However, in reading this section, I have the impression that it was more about giving than receiving. So I took the liberty of renaming this sub-heading.) Gifts are visual symbols of love. It is not only the thought in the mind of the giver that counts but in actually securing the gift and giving it as an expression of love. Gift-giving, which need not be expensive, is  an investment in your relationship, fulfilling your spouse's emotional love tank. A more important gift is the gift of your self, when you are physically present when you are needed the most. Being in the hospital with your wife when she has a health problem or being around to cook chicken soup for your sick spouse are examples of self-presence, contextualized as the gift of presence.

Love Language 4. Acts of Service: Cooking a meal, washing dishes, vacuuming, paying the bills, fixing the leaky faucet, bathing the baby, and helping with house chores--these are all acts of service and when done with a positive spirit, they are expressions of love. However, love is a choice and cannot be coerced or demanded. Acts of service must stem from recognizing the emotional needs of your spouse. Show your love with the following examples: helping with house chores--"Today, I will show my love by..."(complete the sentence by doing some house chores); changing the nag into tag (what one act of service has your spouse nagged about consistently?).

Love Language 5. Physical Touch: Physical touch is a way of communicating love. It includes holding hands, kissing, hugging and sexual intercourse. It can make or break a relationship. To touch your spouse in a way that is pleasurable is communicating love. Insisting on touching her/him your way and on your own time, in a manner that is uncomfortable or irritating can communicate the opposite. It implies that you are not sensitive to your spouse's needs and you care very little about her/his pleasure. We cannot always change events but we can survive if we feel loved and one way of experiencing love is to be touched. This is obvious when, in a crises or tragedy, family members would hug one another for comfort and solace. 

Gary Chapman suggested three ways to discover your primary love language (out of the 5 languages):

1. What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you is probably your love language.
2. What have you most often requested of your spouse? The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
3. In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse? Your method of expressing love may be an indication that that would also make you feel loved.

So there you go, the book by Gary Chapman in summary form. I hope you can learn something about your language of love to help you improve your relationship with your spouse or partner.

Write your comments and leave your message by clicking the Comments link below.

Have a great week, dear readers! 

Making Love Last

Perfect love is rare indeed - for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain.

~Leo Buscaglia

No other personal investment is as risky and as painful as the love investment. Because the nature of love coincides with our deepest core as human beings, when love goes wrong our soul goes wrong. It is as though each molecule in our body aches and suffers. Either slowly or suddenly, we feel that the solid ground upon where we stand is not there anymore. We become insecure and our mind plays tricks on us. We ask so many whys and we engage in so many what ifs.

The statistics about marriages, which are supposedly contracted out of romantic love, are dismal. There were 71,783 divorces in Canada in 2001, the last year when statistics were available. In the US (see #2 Raw Numbers), there were 957,200 divorces in year 2000 (excluding the non-counting states), with most marriages ending in divorce in the early years of marriage. In the Philippines, a predominantly Catholic country, the Office of the Solicitor General received 43,617 cases of annulment and separation from 2001 to 2007.

We need to make enormous efforts in preventing our love relationships from going wrong, otherwise we could become part of the divorced or separated statistics. We cannot afford the wrenching pain that results when families are torn apart with children suffering the most. Therefore, the important question to ask ourselves is: How do we make love last? 

I searched for evidenced-based journals to find out what can be done to make love last. However, there are no "fit-for-all" techniques that will ensure a lasting love because relationships are complex and contextual.   Below are some vital strategies, a love map you might say, to make your love relationship last. 

Communicate well. If the mantra for business is location, the mantra for love relationship is communication. We need a kind of communication that runs through the fabric of trust, respect, honesty, understanding, integrity, forgiveness, and compassion. The best form of communication is listening. We need to listen with our heart because what is usually unsaid is what is most important. Criticizing seldom works. What is effective are the following words: "I am sorry, please forgive me." "This is what I feel at the moment and this may not have anything to do with you." "This might hurt but here's the truth." "I would like to understand you better so tell me more." "Is there anything I can do for you?"

Be faithful. A relationship rarely survives infidelity. An affair strikes at the core of trust, even if it is just a one-night stand or even if there is no emotional attachment. It is a violation of sexual exclusivity between two people who are married or in a conjugal relationship. And it never "just happens." It takes motivation, opportunity, and planning (read Woman Who Stay With Men Who Stray). Buffer your relationship against the possibility of infidelity by prioritizing your relationship and paying attention to it. You need to spend quality time together (without the kids in tow) and refresh your intimacy, and make each other feel great, desirable, and wanted. 

Make time for sex. Some time apart is healthy and even necessary to nurture one's self and pursue one's interests and dreams. However, don't put sex in the back burner. Try spending at least one weekend every two months alone with your partner. This will improve your sex life, mood, and relationship. Engage in pleasurable diversions in mini-honeymoons. Learn how to give and receive pleasure. Be an excellent lover! 

Nourish each other. Do little things for each other everyday--the loving phone calls, the winks, the smile, the hugs, and the kind words. Cook for your mate once in a while or serve breakfast in bed. Remember those anniversaries--when you first met, your first kiss, and other wonderful events in your life together. These little things could add up to nourish your relationship and could cushion everyday stresses as well. 

Be couple-centered. There is a tendency for couples to give their attention to their children and neglect each other. Recognize that you are there for each other first, that you are each other's best friend. Being parents comes after that. When a marriage is too-child centered, it will suffer. When you begin to call each other "Mommy" or "Daddy" it is time to go back to "Honey" or "Darling" to make you aware that you are still each other's lovers (and not each other's parent). 

Manage your finances. Money problems is one of the leading causes of divorce or separation. Living up to the Joneses will create tension in your relationship. Remember that persons are more important than things. Live simply and want what you already have. Be honest about what you value and align your financial values in terms of affordability and need. 

Accept each other. Acceptance requires respecting and affirming each other's uniqueness. It does not mean tolerating abuse, dishonesty, and unethical activities. It means letting each other be and giving each other the space to grow and blossom. It also means tossing aside the need to change each other to suit expectations and your want for perfection. Walk away from a relationship marked with chronic infidelity and abuse. Accepting each other should not involve suffering of this kind.

Be proactive. Start the day by asking yourself this question: "What can I do today for this person I love?" Initiate family activities--cooking together, playing together, shopping together. Develop family rituals--reading to kids before bedtime, praying before sleeping, celebrating special occasions. Establish connections with in-laws, relatives and friends.

There are other hundred little ways to make your love last. What I have outlined here are just the major ingredients that will have positive impact on your relationship. 

If romance is like building a sandcastle, you then need to continually rebuild and ultimately create a stone castle.

I would like to close this write-up with a poem I wrote in October 1975 when I was 19 years old and a new English instructor. This was published in the Crusader Publication of Xavier University. This poem is my Valentine Day offering for all lovers in the world.

A Passionate Lover to Her Beloved

 © Amy Morales Labitad (1975)

kiss me

with eager lips

but don't consume me

else nothing would remain of me.

touch me

with such delicious warmth

Oh, tenderly!

but don't cling too lightly

else it would become a necessity.

beloved,

passion is a crazy, tricky feeling.

kiss me....

touch me....

 leave me half-awakened....

  but forever wanting!

********

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you! May you love with all your heart, mind and soul and receive whatever you dream of in love. May this earthly life be your paradise.

As always, I welcome comments, questions, and contributions from you, dear readers. Click the Comments link below and leave your message.

Conceptualizing Love

While researching for evidenced-based journal articles about how to make love last, I came across an article by Beall and Sternberg (1995) about the social construction of love.

I will summarize the four conceptualizations of love they have mentioned for you. Let me know what you think by leaving your comments in the Comments section below.

1. Love is a universal emotional experience that is defined similarly in all cultures. This means that people in every culture experience love in the same way and all cultures share the same definition of love. Therefore, the definition and experience of love in Italy is the same in the US, in Canada, and in the Philippines. No real differences.


2. Love is a universal emotional experience that is defined differently in all cultures. In this view, people in every culture experience love in the same way, but cultures interpret the experience in different ways. Hence, some cultures might define love as infatuation while other cultures would define it as romance. 
   
   
3. Love is not a universal emotional experience. It changes according to its cultural background; however, all cultures share roughly the same view of it. This means that people in different cultures experience love differently but define it similarly. 
   
   
4. Love is not a universal emotional experience. It changes according to its cultural background and is viewed differently in various cultures. This means that love is experienced and defined differently in cultures across different times and places.

Beall and Sternberg argue that there can never be a universal definition of love because any definition must reflect its time period and place. In short, love has to be defined, understood, and contextualized culturally. And when cultures define love differently, they experience it differently. Hence, two people who have different conceptualizations of love will experience love differently.

I would beg to disagree with Beall and Sternberg. I think human beings share some commonalities despite cultural differences and one of these is love. In fact, people of all cultures understand love, not because of a formal, universal concept, but because they live it--they feel it, they breath it, they dream of it. People understand love when they see lovers hold hands or kiss, regardless of what epoch or place these lovers are from. They understand what love is when they see a mother cuddle her baby, regardless of her color or belief. Photos of lovers taken in the 16th century evoke feelings of tenderness or passion in all of us in the 21st century. 

That is why Shakespeare is still read about today as he was during the Elizabethan period. His love sonnets depict passionate, tender feelings of people who are in love. There is nothing different in the understanding of love in Shakespeare's time and our time, even though he wrote about it from a different cultural milieu. An example of his love sonnet is below, telling us what love is:

...Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or Bends with the remover to remove.
O, no! It is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken.
It is the star to every wandering bark,
whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

What Shakespeare meant in this excerpt is that real love (one that has evolved from romantic love) does not change when certain aspects within or outside the relationship become different. It is dependable and tenacious despite hard times. Love is like a star that guides every traveller regardless of who he/she is.

If the definition and experience of love is culturally determined, there would be no shared universal values about love, marriage or family. There would be confusion, chaos and a lot of misunderstanding. 

I was once married to a person who shared the same culture I have. That marriage, despite my attempts to save it for the sake of my two sons, did not endure. I am now in a relationship with a Canadian person, whose culture is different from mine. Yet we have a solid and loving relationship despite my constant complaining of the cold weather during winter and regardless of his aversion to  durian and smell of salted fish. 

It is the praxis of love, not its essence, that might be culturally defined. For instance, here in Canada, the age of consent (when one can engage in sex) used to be 14 but it has now been changed to 16. During my mother's time, a kiss could result in a quick marriage because it was considered scandalous. During my time, a kiss was okay but premarital sex was still disgraceful.

Let me end this writing with Singer's (1984) essentialist notion of love, cited by Hegi and Bergner (2010):

“The lover takes an interest in the other as a person, and not merely as a 

commodity ...He bestows importance on her needs and her desires, even 

when they do not further the satisfaction of his own ... In relation to the 

lover, the other has become valuable for her own sake” (1984, p.6). 

I am inviting my readers to write their comments below.

Watch for my next article on how to make love last. This is a Valentine's Day special article.

Until then, have a wonderful day and take care!

References:

Bealle, A. E. & Sternberg, R. J. (1995). The social construction of love. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 12(14). doi: 10.1177/0265407595123006.

Hegi, K. E. & Bergner, R. M. (2010). What is love? An empirically-based essentialist account. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 27(620). doi: 10.1177/0265407510369605.

Beyond Romantic Love

"One never steps in the same river twice."

~Heraclitus

Relationships are temporal in nature. Like rivers, they flow through time and space and change as the properties of their environment, in which they are embedded, change. Therefore one of the truths we have to accept about romantic love is that it does not last. And it should not, because it is impossible to perpetuate the elation, excitement, obsession, and mood swings associated with it. 

People who pledge that their love be "forever" is also vowing that the kind of love they feel today will stay the same. But relationships are affected by social and physical environments, economic components, and the biological changes associated with age, to name a few but important variables. Hence, you change, your partner changes, your interaction changes, and your love for each other changes.

Is love then doomed because of all these changes? 

Numerous research in developmental psychology show that romantic love can progress and deepen into something like a semblance of "forever". When the sexual fervor gradually wanes, a comfortable, affectionate, and trusting love can begin to develop. Some psychologists call this "companionate love." It is also called "strong liking," "friendship love," "philias," and "conjugal love." It is called the "stuff of life" for many relationships and is considered as a better basis for a fulfilling marriage than romantic love (see Bercheid, 2010).

John Gottman's extensive research on marital relationships (read Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last) led him to conclude that the foundation of what he calls "a sound marital house" is friendship laced with fondness and admiration.

We therefore need to reconstruct our relationships from time to time in order to cope with the ongoing changes around us and within us. We need to be flexible in our love because this is a source of strength amidst the flow of life. Remember Aesop's fable of the mango tree and the bamboo tree? We should strive to be the bamboo tree when we love--pliant yet strong. The bamboo can bend close to the ground but can survive a storm. This is the nature of companionate love borne out of romance.

If you observe older couples whose love has survived, you wonder if your relationship will also survive 10 years or more from now. Ask people who have been married 20 years or more the secrets of their successful relationship. Chances are they could be any of the following: respect, mutual admiration, good communication, honesty, faithfulness, balance of similarities and differences, ability to resolve conflict, emotional intelligence, and commitment, to name some.

There is still so much to learn about love. In his book, If Love Could Think: Using Your Mind to Guide Your Heart, Alon Gratch quoted Rainer Maria Rilke that young people "must not forget, when they love, that they are beginners, bunglers of life, apprentices in love,--must learn love." When it comes to love, we are all young and we are all beginners.

I am inviting my readers to write their comments or questions below. Better still, I would be delighted to receive short stories of love from you. 

Watch for my next article about why love fails. Until then, I wish you the best!

References:

Bercheid, E. (2010). Love in the fourth dimension. Annual Reviews of Psychology, 61, 1-25.

Romantic Love's Deception

"Falling in love is not the most stupid thing that people do

but gravitation cannot be held responsible for it."

~Albert Einstein

Have you ever fallen in love in the past and wondered why it didn't last? You thought about the reasons for its failure: Perhaps you were worlds apart. You were more intelligent than the other person. He drunk too much. She was the gold-digger type. He womanized behind your back. She was a shopaholic. He was irresponsible. She was a nagger. And the list could go on.

This "falling in love" experience, which is the early stage of romantic love, happens not just to young people but to middle-agers as well. No one is immune to the magic of this type of love, which has many aliases, including "romantic love," "passionate love," "erotic love," and "obsessive love".

Falling in love is like an accidental tumble which you have little control of. Yet you feel so sure that he/she is the only one for you. You pledge your undying love. You cannot live without this person who has become the center of your world. Your world expands to allow this person to become an inner dweller and the rest of the world recedes when you are with this person. He/she is the only one that matters.

Theories of romantic love link it to sensual feelings, sexual desire, and attraction. Helen Fisher, whose research on romantic love is focused on the brain using a functional NMR brain scanner, has characterized romantic love as an intense craving, an "intolerable neural itch". She found out that those who are madly in love are obsessed, they lose their sense of self, and  it's like "somebody is camping on your head."

In her book, Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, Helen Fisher describes romantic love as lust and attachment. When you are romantically in love, your brain releases dopamine (the liquor of romance) which in turn stimulates the release of testosterone (the hormone of sexual desire). Novel experiences increase levels of dopamine in your brain that triggers the chemistry of lust. This explains why a new relationship can feel so wonderful and you feel giddy with happiness and desire.

However, romantic love has a time limit. You cannot always be sexually excited and passionate. As time goes by (a few months, a year or more), predictability grows, erotic satisfaction becomes readily available, and the sexual stupor, characteristic of falling in love, wanes. For instance, studies show that sexual activity in married couples declines with the partners' age and length of marriage (see Berscheid, 2010).

It is no wonder that some married people engage in extramarital affairs. They think that because their relationship no longer brings excitement and unabashed sexuality that they have "fallen out of love" and that the whole thing was a mistake. Enters the new person in the extramarital affair who brings novelty and excitement. Again, the same thing happens--they fall in love. However, if they live with their lover for some time, the same thing happens afterwards--love wanes. The newness disappears and in it familiarity sets in. The falling out of love happens again.

Romantic love's deception gives us a false perception of eternal love. This perception of eternal love is really clothed in temporality. Romantic love gives us a false sense of security, and a flawed belief that the other person is the only one.

Perhaps romantic love is necessary for the propagation of the species. Or to make us feel intensely about another human being, knowing that we can die sooner or later. If it were not for death, we would not have hungered for love, even the romantic kind.

What to do to evade romantic love's deception? Or how do you go beyond the "falling in love" stage into the "standing in love" level?

That is my next article. Watch for it.

Meanwhile, I am inviting readers to participate by sharing their ideas or stories about their experience of romantic love. You can now post your comments below without awaiting moderation from me.


References:

Bercheid, E. (2010). Love in the fourth dimension. Annual Reviews of Psychology, 61, 1-25.