My Personal Gratitude List This Christmas

Christmas comes only once a year but it is one of the most celebrated occasions in the world, particularly to Christians. It is associated with gift-giving, a time for celebrating sensory pleasures (e.g., holiday foods and feasts, bright decorations and cheering music, and glistening snow, real or artificial).

Having lived in Canada for 9 years, I missed the traditional noche buena (large Christmas meal), the lechon (roasted pig), kinilaw (Filipino sushi), and other native foods in the Philippines. I missed the gaiety that comes with carolers singing Christmas songs, the loud noise of firecrackers, and the explosive beauty of the fireworks. I also missed my two sons and their families. I still have to meet my two grandchildren in person. 

Although I missed so many people in my country and things that are unique to my own culture, I am grateful for where I am now in my life and for what I have.

I am grateful that I am in Calgary, where I can be peaceful and creative, where I am loved and supported. I am grateful for the experience of grace as well as the challenges that are always part of existence. I am grateful for my health and the wisdom that comes with age. I am grateful for being in a beautiful country and for its compassionate people (of course the occasional bullies are also around to add drama to life). 

I am grateful to my deceased parents--for my life, values, and education. I am grateful to my sons, Jan and Soren, for giving me unimaginable delight and thrill as they were growing up, and for making me proud of themselves now that they are adults.

I am grateful to Deane, my husband, for loving me unconditionally. I am constantly learning from him and my world has changed positively because of him. And although I don't fully understand chemistry, astronomy, physics, biology, mathematics, and the slide rule, I am grateful that he shares his knowledge of these disciplines with me.

I am grateful to my daughter-in-law, Bernie, for being a wonderful wife to my son, Jan, and the best mother to Ethan and Adrian. I am grateful to Melie, for giving our family the gift of a pretty girl named Princess.

I am grateful to Estrella, my best friend at Xavier University, for always being there for me through thick and thin. She is a good role model for her work ethic and resiliency.

I am grateful to my two other best friends, Fr. Francisco Bustamante, S. J. and Atty. Samson "Samantha" Tan. They have brightened my life and have continued to do so after all these years. Their advice, sense of humor, and support have made a difference in my life.

I am grateful to the following U of C professors for their support all these years: Jim Frideres, Bryan Hiebert, Greg Fouts, John Mueller, and many others who have made my life as a Ph.D. student truly a remarkable one.

I am grateful to all the Philosophy teachers at Xavier University--Joseph, Lalot, Matet, Enting, Jane, Mario, et al.--for the collegial joys they have shared with me during the years I was with them.  

I am equally grateful to my former students who have inspired me in more ways I could imagine when I was still at Xavier University. They were the main reason why would I get up every morning and walk to XU in my high heels (I don't wear high heels anymore for fear of slipping in icy areas here in Calgary during winter. For more information about Calgary's climate, click here).

I hope you enjoyed my gratitude list.

Contact me for comments and questions.

My next post will be after Christmas.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

P.S. This just came from John Mueller: The Digital Story of Nativity (Thanks, John!)

Developing Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify and manage your emotions in a positive and constructive ways. It also involves controlling impulsive feelings and behaviors, following through commitments and responsibilities, and adapting to changing circumstances.

Further, it is the skill to understand how others feel, what their needs and concerns are, to empathize with them, and to build strong social relationships in general.

How do you develop emotional intelligence (EQ)? The following skills are what I believe would help you develop your EQ:

Be aware of your emotions. Stress, anxiety, and fear can overwhelm some people to the point that they are unable to control certain impulsive behavior. To develop emotional intelligence, be aware of your emotions moment by moment, understand where they are coming from, and allow yourself some "cooling" time before acting or deciding. Some emotions can come from long ago emotional baggages that not have been resolved. Negative emotions can lurk deep under and may affect your ability to act and decide rationally.

Identify non-verbal cues. A lot of what we feel are expressed in a nonverbal way. This "wordless" communication holds the cue to what is going on inside you and that of others. Facial expression, eye contact, tone of voice, posture and gestures are some of the non-verbal cues we exhibit or see in others. These non-verbal  cues are emotionally-driven. Your ability to refine and control your non-verbal cues depends largely on awareness of your emotions and why they are present in the first place. Also, your ability to "read" other people's non-verbal cues depends on your capacity to accurately identify what these emotions are. Learn to differentiate between real emotions and fake ones in others.

Resolve conflict proactively. The word "proactive" refers to acting in advance to deal with expected difficulties. Rather than waiting for a conflict to escalate, take control by negotiating, problem-solving, and talking about problems and concerns in a non-threatening manner. There will always be disagreements, differing points of view, and expectations in any relationship. So choose your arguments by focusing on your feelings instead of pointing fingers at others. Start with the words "I feel...". Never start with "You are this and that...that's why!". 

Use of humor and play. Never take life seriously unless your house is on fire or somebody is about to die. Take things in stride by injecting humor and playfulness in your interactions with others. Use gentle humor in pinpointing certain things that need improvement. Look at the funny side of an otherwise tough situation. Laugh at your mistake and forgive others of theirs. 

Remember that your future lies in your hands. Developing your emotional intelligence will go a long way in paving success in your relationships with others.

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Are You Emotionally Intelligent?

I first read about emotional intelligence (EI) around the late 1990s, when Daniel Goleman, in his first book Emotional Intelligence, introduced the concept of how the brain can regulate our emotions in order to deal with people effectively. Since then, I have come across books linking the significance of emotional intelligence in the workplace and in our relationships with others.

How important is emotional intelligence? Numerous research indicate that it is a strong predictor of success particularly in the workplace. For instance, as of September 2008, at least there were 57 consulting firms that used EI as their model, 90 organizations specialized in EI training or assessment, 30 offered certification programs, and 5 "universities" offered EI courses (see www.eq.org).

You are emotionally intelligent if you have the following characteristics, based from the Four-Branch Model of IE (see Mayer, et al.):

Accuracy in emotional perception. People with emotional intelligence have the ability to perceive emotion in children and adult faces, voices, and postures. Hence, people with EI can correctly identify emotions such as happiness, sadness, anger, and fear in others just by observation. They can also identify fake emotions.

Use of emotion to facilitate thought. Individuals with emotional intelligence use their emotions to come up with good decisions. They also know what emotion is appropriate at a given time. For example, a parent who is confronted with a child having a temper tantrum knows how to respond emotionally, compared to a parent who is frustrated and may use destructive strategies to manage a child in this state. In short, emotionally intelligent people use emotion to "think through" solutions.

Understanding emotion. This refers to the awareness of one's own and other's feelings and being able to react or respond appropriately. This ability links emotion perception and emotion regulation. For instance, in a business situation where negotiation and solving problems can create a stressful situation, an emotionally intelligent person understands the real emotion behind the actions of others and therefore is able to offer solutions proactively.

Managing emotion. People with emotional intelligence are able to regulate and manage their emotions. As such, they reframe their perceptions of situations. Hence, when a conflict arises in the workplace, emotionally intelligent individuals are able to exert considerable emotional self-control. This is sometimes referred to as "grace under pressure".

If you want to find out your EQ (emotional quotient or intelligence), click here.

Should you have questions or comments, write them down in the section "Comments" below this article.

References:

Joseph, D. L., & Newman, D. A. (2010). Emotional intelligence: An integrative meta-analysis and cascading model. Journal of Applied Psychology, 95(1), 54-78.

Mayer, J.D., Roberts, R. D., & Barsade, H. G. (2008). Human abilities: Emotional intelligence. Annual Review of Psychology, 59, 507-536.


Suggested Readings:

Being Happy

If you are one of those individuals who are prone to depression, perhaps it is time to reflect why. Is it because you are homesick, frustrated, anxious, and worried about many things going on in your life? If so, you are not alone. The US National Institute of Mental Health revealed that major depressive disorder affects approximately 14.8 million Americans each year. And specialists predict that depression would become the 2nd most common health problems in the world. 

However, you can change your mental outlook from being depressed to being happy. Being happy means having a sense of purpose, meaning, and being positive. It means flourishing despite difficult circumstances.

Here are some ways whereby you can happy:

Reframing. Reframe your negative thoughts into positive ones. Don't bury your head under the sand and wait for happiness to come because it won't. You have to learn to see the bright side of things if you want to nudge your self to be happy.

I remember a short anecdote by one of my Jesuit professors, Fr. Agathonico Montero, about two prisoners who were inside their cramped prison cell. One was a pessimist, the other an optimist. The pessimist went to the window and looked out. He grumbled about how muddy and dirty the ground was. The optimist went to the window, looked up, and exclaimed, "Wow, look at the blue sky and the sun shining brightly!" Same prison cell, same window, same reality but different outlook. Seeing the positive goes a long way into making you happy.

Being Kind. Commit to doing acts of kindness everyday. Studies suggest that acts of altruism lowers stress and could enhance mental health. Helping somebody in need can give you instantaneous joy. I have experienced this recently while shopping at London Drugs.  I saw an old man struggling to place 25 cents into a tiny hole in a long bar where pushcarts are attached. I immediately came to his aid and carefully tucked the 25 cents into the hole, releasing a pushcart. His smile while thanking me lit the entire store for me that day.

Remembering good times. Instead of recalling your painful past, focus on happy times. Recalling moments of laughter and fun with family and friends enables you to realize that there is so much good in your life, that the world is a good place to live in. Look at photos, read emails or letters, and appreciate the corners of delight in your life as you recall the good times.

Using signature strength. Signature strength is a strength of character deeply embedded in who we are. Philosophers call them virtues. Each time you use your signature strength you will experience a burst of positivity. This is because these strengths define who are at your best. 

If one of your signature strengths is honesty, then you will feel good when you practice it at every level of your life, not just at yourself. If your signature strength is creativity, then you will feel marvelous each time you create something original. If your signature strength is love, then you will feel wonderful giving love to family and friends.

Psychologists have recently identified 24 cross-cultural strengths that best contribute to human flourishing. Find out where your strengths are, utilize them in various situations, and you will feel your personal awesomeness.

Being grateful. No matter where you are now in life there is always something to be grateful for-- your health, your eyes, your hair, your feet, the unexpected gift, the smile of a child. 

Be grateful for the "givens" in your life. You need not have been here so be grateful for being here. You need not have been a parent so be grateful for the opportunity to love your child in a way that only you can. 

Be grateful too, for defeats, failures and pains. They are your best teachers in garnering success and achievements.

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Note to my readers: It will be great if you could send me your comments and suggestions for improving my website. 

I also welcome contributions of any story you wish to share, related to this article. Your contribution should be between 300-400 words long.

Suggested Readings:

A Philosophy of Sex and Love (For Adults Only)

Between lovers, sex is not separate from whatever is happening in their inner landscape. The sexual aspect is present when lovers cuddle in the morning, their legs intertwine in unspoken care; it is shown in the hours that a wife spends in cooking her husband’s favorite meal; it is expressed when a husband brings pink roses to his wife to surprise her; it is found in little flirtations and jealousies scattered silently, in the aches felt by lovers who are separated by distance, in the excitement of a kiss or in the slow pleasure of lovemaking.

There is no meaning and fulfillment in sex without the presence of love. Love must be in attendance for bodies in conjunction to experience real ecstasy. Love must lend fire to caresses and kisses—it heats up the loins and accompanies the undulating bodies in their desire for oneness, pleasure being its path. According to Sam Keen, “We get to the essence of sex faster with love than when we get to the essence of love by starting with sex.” If we start with sex in our quest for intimacy, it will be difficult to go back to the route of care, commitment, responsibility, compassion, and tenderness. But if consider first the elements of love, sex becomes the deepest expression of one’s essential self. It is a gift we bring to the beloved in the wonders of our bodily contours, wetness, and hardness amidst pants and moans. In this context, sex is the physical expression of our soulish nature where the other’s pleasure becomes as important as ours because we love. Sex is therefore not the end but the means towards fulfillment, intimacy and unity.  In love, sex becomes sensuous and erotic.

When does sex become sensuous and erotic? When at first there is love. You don’t choose to be sensuous and erotic but rather you become sensuous and erotic the moment you love. It doesn’t happen right away. It is a gradual awakening, a slow impulse, and a flicker that slowly ignites until it becomes fire. You become sensuous and erotic when your love takes on wings even if there isn’t any wind to make you fly. You become sensuous and erotic when your days and nights are interspersed with thoughts of your beloved, your senses flooding you with sexual yearnings because you love. You become sensuous and erotic when desires mingle with feelings of tenderness, when lovemaking is truly a celebration of love, and when, in the afterglow, love becomes immensely glorious like a spiritual conquest dotted with bouquets of languid kisses.

What does it mean to be sensuous? It is the exquisite sensation of love rippling through your bones and flesh. It is an aphrodisiac that liquefies the unbending to become yielding, the soft to become hard, and the dry to become wet. Sensuousness is a gift of the spirit that makes the heart quiver, makes the body tremble, making the lovers catch glimpses of the sacred in the profane, eternity in temporality. To be sensuous is to feel a heightened sense of touch, taste, sound, scent, and texture. This heightened sense is brought about by your acute awareness of the wonders of the other as a person.  To be sensuous is to be a lover in the truest sense of the word—to be a loving human being.

What does it mean to be erotic? It is to become carnal in love. It is giving desire to your love, making love aflame without pain. It is a loving surrender to the throbbing of organs paving the way for rapture. The erotic is the longing you feel for the beloved, like a subtle yet steady cadence of a waterfall. It is the thirst for the many ways of pleasure in the miracle of the body of the person whom you love. It is pleasure accompanied by care, commitment, responsibility, compassion, and tenderness.

There is no sexual technique, practice, or wisdom to be learned other than what is involved in mastering how to love. There is no greater aphrodisiac than love itself. No sex toy could ever replace the pleasure that the beloved’s body could bring. The best way to become a good sexual partner is to focus on becoming a loving human being. One has to pay attention, listen, empathize, be compassionate, and be sensual if he wants to become a good sexual partner.  Nothing more, nothing less.

There are men and women who have mastered the craft of sex. They know the different sexual positions, know just the right pressure, the right touch, and the right words to say. They are the best sexual performers similar to the great acrobats in circuses. But performance for the sake of pleasure is without self-revelation, awe, or spiritual vulnerability. In contrast, sincere lovers may remain amateur in the art of sex yet their lovemaking transport them to the world of the enchantment, where their hesitations become wordless desire, where their shyness brings more allure, where their inexperience becomes love’s liquid fire.

Life's Magnificence

Being involved in something meaningful--be it a relationship, a career, or a community project--allows us to experience life's magnificence. Life gives to us what we give to it. And by life we mean the whole existential gamut--humankind, animal-kind, plant-kind, and the ecosystems. 

Life is so rich, pulsating with vitality, that it is impossible not to be drawn to it, either in a big or small way.  In a way, we could say that life has chosen us through our birth. But since then, and until the time we die, we inadvertently choose life.

Yet how do we choose life? Are we driven each day to work and feel less grateful to life because of workplace stress and politics? Do we feel unhappy because our relationship falls short of our expectations? Are we so sick emotionally that it is difficult to get up in the morning and greet another day?

We choose life when we are grateful. We are not here to outdo each other in material things, titles, or honors received. However, we are here to outdo each other in kindness, understanding, and love. And because we cannot live without others (parents, relatives, friends, strangers) it is important that we feel grateful to the people in our lives who have contributed to who we are and what we have become.

We choose life when we create the best for ourselves. We can choose to be mediocre but we know it is not choosing the best for us. Choosing the best for us--whether it be education, a life partner, a business--requires putting the bar higher for excellence, not perfection. When we choose the best for us, we are indirectly choosing the best for others. If it were not for Thomas Edison's desire to be his best--despite 2000 failures--there would have been no light bulb in the world today and the rest of us would still be using candles or LPG-driven lights.

We choose life when we learn to forgive. If we were to count all the people who have wronged us and the terrible things they have done to us, we will be spending the rest of our lives in misery. We should not take things personally when people hurt us otherwise we get stuck emotionally. The only way to make a clean slate is to forgive and move on. An unforgiving heart is a heavy load to carry.

What are you giving back to life?

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I welcome comments and reflections from you. Share your experiences about the people you are grateful to, the goals you are striving to creating your best self, and the people you have forgiven to make your journey lighter.

I would love to post your answers here in my next article. Use the "Comments" button and write your reflections.

Until then, be blessed!

Believe In Yourself

Success in whatever you do is largely determined by your belief in your self. Of course, there are other factors to consider such as education, environment, and support from family and friends. However, belief in your self is the basis from which dreams--big or small--become reality.

Belief in your self springs from two sources-- self-awareness and courage. Self-awareness involves an understanding of what you can do and what you can be. It allows you to “scan” your self in full dimension to know the parameters of your limits. Courage is your ability to execute what you want to do within and beyond your perceived personal limits.

In 1977, Terry Fox, a Canadian, discovered that he has a malignant tumor in his right leg. He was only 18 years old. The night before his right leg was amputated, he read about an amputee runner and decided he would run even with only one leg to fight cancer.

Terry Fox started his marathon in April 12, 1980, running an average of 42 kilometers a day through six provinces with only one leg. His goal was to raise $1 from every Canadian to fund cancer research. 

By September 1, 1980 cancer has spread through his lungs and he stopped running just outside of Thunder Bay, Ontario. By this time, Terry has covered 5,373 kilometers, running a total of 143 days. By February 1, 1981, his dream of raising $1 from every Canadian was realized. At this time, the Canadian population was 24.1 million. Terry’s run netted a total of $24.17 million.

Terry died in July 28, 1981. He was 22 years old.

You can learn a lot from Terry Fox’s story: What might seem at first to be unattainable and insurmountable becomes possible when you believe in your self.  Your belief determines your action and your action determines your results. But first you have to believe in your self.

It is appropriate to close this article with the song, “Believe” by Josh Groban. The last four stanzas of the song say it all:

Believe in what you feel inside 

And give your dreams the wings to fly

You have everything you need

If you just believe

References: 

Mercer, S. (2008). Learner self-beliefs. ELT Journal, 62(2), 183-183.

Terry Fox and the Foundation. Retrieved from: http://www.terryfox.org/Foundation/Facts.html

Suggested Readings: