When Love Hurts: The Lessons

I wrote this article in December 2000 when I was still in the Philippines. I published it in my Bizland website which is no longer in existence. During this time, I was teaching Philosophy full time (7 subjects and usually 4 preparations) and was also enrolled at Xavier University in its MA program in Guidance and Counselling. 

I decided to publish this article in this website today, hoping that some of you can benefit from the lessons I have learned 10 years ago.

Below were the lessons I have learned when love hurt:

 1.  Remember that you are both the action and the reaction--to a certain extent you are the external force and the subject of that force.  You create the situation you find yourself in by contributing to it, consciously or unconsciously. Thus, if you are hurt in a  relationship which is supposed to be a loving one as you dreamt it to be, to a certain extent, you caused the hurt itself.  You caused your own woundedness.

2.  You cannot control people. Controlling people is opposite to loving them.  Control is manipulation, putting limits, becoming a master. To control people is to chain them to you in invisible slavery. Control destroys love or whatever is left of it. When you let go of the need to control, you also free yourself from the hurting situation. 

3.  Just as there cannot be spring without winter, so there cannot also be happiness without pain.  Joy and sorrow are two sides of the same reality.  Learn from your sorrow so you can find greater joy. Therefore, don't be afraid of the occasional pain and hurt--the greater the pain, the greater the capacity for happiness. Sorrow digs the pit, happiness fills it in.  The deeper your desolation, the higher your consolation.

4.  Allow change. Change is natural and to fetter and restrict this process creates tensions. There can never be a state of equilibrium in the natural scheme of things. All things considered, everything is in a state of flux. Don't resist the change that a failed relationship offers. Flow with it, welcome the change, and move on.  When love fails and it hurts so much, move on. Welcome the changes that a failed relationship brings into your life. Don't stay in the shadows. Go out into the sun and bask in its warmth. That is the best way to welcome change.

5.  You don't have to understand  why a love hurt or why it failed.  Even the person who has hurt you might not have been aware of the reasons why things happened the way they did.  Have faith that whatever happened has a reason. Perhaps a failed relationship could open a new door for a more loving, nurturing relationship. Maybe the person who has hurt you was your teacher in disguise. You don't have to know everything but it is within your grasp to learn from your pain.

6.  The very nature of the universe is that it presents innumerable options. You need not restrict your choices and thereby narrowing your path from a more fulfilled, expansive life. Take your time to look, to observe, to test, to anticipate outcomes, to search, and to discover. You don't have to stay in a toxic relationship. There are many people out there who may be seeking for the kind of person that you are and for the kind of love you alone can uniquely give.

7.  Trust life. Trust the universe. Trust your self. Not all of life is painful. Not all of the universe is uncertain. Not all of your decisions are  wrong. Sometimes, we arrive at the right decisions after having made wrong ones. Trusting allows us the capacity to love again and to be whole again.

8.  There is a connectedness, a kind of synchronicity in our lives. What may be considered as a disaster may be an enabling event to set your life in a new, positive pattern.  For example,  had I not been over-protected by my parents, I would not have gotten married early. Had not my marriage failed, I would not have met the most wonderful man, and I would not have known what I missed in a loving relationship all these years.

9.  Look inside yourself for your spiritual basis. Your spirituality enables you to make order out of disorder, to make meaning out of chaos.  It takes great strength and faith in yourself to see beyond your immediate defeats and realize that there is something significantly larger than yourself.  

10.  Everything in your life matters. It is true that there are wrong turns, lost opportunities, sad endings. But all these contribute to the making of the solidity and dignity of yourself. For instance, even wrinkles matter. The wrinkles in a face represent defeats, failures, wrong turns, lost opportunities, and sad endings. Beneath all these wrinkles are lessons learned which make the person who has them a better person, more loving, more understanding, more able to cope, more secure, and infinitely wiser.

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Profile of the Bully

Have you ever received an insulting remark, given a dirty look, or experienced social ridicule and exclusion? Whatever it was you experienced from a bully, it was probably one or all of these: undermining, humiliating, excluding, and shaming. 

The psychological impact of bullying can be devastating, long lasting, and can even be tragic. Recently, bullying has resulted in 4 gay teen suicides in the US alone. Here's a quick profile of these victims:

1. 18-year-old Tyler Clementi (New Jersey), a Rutgers freshman, posted a brief farewell on facebook then jumped to his death off the George Washington Bridge because his roommate secretly taped and broadcast him in a sexual encounter with another man. 
2. 13-year-old Seth Walsh (California) had been bullied and relentlessly teased for being openly gay…and hung himself from a tree in his back yard. 
3. Eighth-grader Asher Brown (Texas) shot himself in response to constant harassment from fellow students about being gay. 
4. 15-year-old Billy Lucas (Indiana) never told anyone he was gay, but his peers assumed he was, tormented him because of it, and he hung himself in the family’s barn.

Schoolyard bullying (the torment of one child by another) is often compared to workplace bullying (the torment of one employee by another). Both types show a tormentor who is insecure, inadequate, and exercises control by humiliating the target. 

The Canada Safety Council has identified that 72% of workplace bullies are bosses. The target of workplace bullies are usually dedicated staff members, well-liked by co-workers, with a non-confrontative interpersonal style. The bully considers their capability a threat and therefore tries to undermine them by unjustified criticism and trivial fault finding.

Bullying, whether in the school or in the workplace, is intended to harm or disturb; it is carried out repeatedly and over time; and it is an interpersonal relationship characterized by an imbalance of power, with the powerful person attacking the less powerful one (Nansel, et al., 2001). 

Bullies harass on purpose using direct modes such as verbal abuse (teasing, insults, cruel remarks), physical abuse (shoving, pushing, hitting) and psychological abuse (rolling one’s eyes, giving the dirty looks, making a mean face). They also harass in an indirect way using malicious gossip, excluding or leaving out the intended victim in conversations or meetings, and engaging in social aggression (telling others not to befriend the victim). 

Nowadays, bullying extends over social networks and can cause tremendous harm and irreversible damage on the victim because it has a global audience. A boss can write disparaging remarks directed to her subordinate and publish it worldwide, for everyone to see. Veiled as a joke, one can write a cruel sentence or two on Facebook which can lead to stress and agony for the intended victim.

To write about the profile of the bully is to look at the dark, nauseating side of some people. These are the people who make your child not want to go to school. These are the people who create unnecessary stress, tension, and negativity in your workplace. Below are some common characteristics of the bully. See if anyone you know fits the profile.

1) Self-absorption. The bully is narcissistic, does not care about anyone (although pretends to) and does do not see value in helping others or being friendly, unless there is something in it for him/her. 

2) Obsession with status. The things the bully values the most is power and status. There  is an almost palpable preoccupation of wanting to dominate and control others. The bully would rather be powerful than charming.

3) Aggressive communication. The bully will often criticize, blame, yell at people, call them names and so on. This style of communication quickly makes people either shut up or become aggressive themselves.

4) Exaggerated teasing. The bully will not stop at making a few jokes. The goal of the bully is to  constantly tease people and make fun of them, especially in public and especially in ways which really hurt. 

5) Lying. The typical bully has no interest in honesty, only in getting what he or she wants. For this reason,  the bully will not hesitate to lie, deceive and manipulate people, and the huge lies may sound like honest truths.

6) Using others. It is very common for the bully, especially in the workplace, to get other people to do part of their work without helping back. Some bullies can cultivate a small army of "slaves" at work.

7) Threatening people. The bully will not hesitate to threaten people to get what he/she wants. If the bully can get you to do something by causing fear, this will be the bully's tool. Most bullies are known to illicit fear in others.

8) Low self-esteem. The bully usually has low self-esteem, is insecure, and would like to ridicule or put down anyone who is better than him/her, especially those who are capable and well-liked.

9. Strong support base. The bully selects a strong base, usually those who have the same bullying patterns. This support base acts like a group of cronies who protects the bully and vice-versa. 

10. Calloused conscience. The bully sleeps well at night. Probably because of lack of empathy, he/she does not see anything wrong in tormenting others. 

If your child has experienced bullying by some classmates, it is best to report it to the teacher or to the principal. No child deserves to be bullied by another.

If you have experienced workplace bullying, you can report it to the management. If the bully is in the management, you can resign or you can wait until the bully fires you. Or you can learn to cope. Whatever coping style you choose, remember that you have the choice to walk away and leave the bully behind.

If you want to know the effects of bullying on your mental, emotional, and physical health, go to Bullyonline.org.

Note to my readers: Share your personal stories of bullying to other readers! Write it in  the Comment section or send your story to amy@deane.bio.ucalgary.ca. I will be delighted to respond to you right away.

References:

Bullying Leads to 4 Gay Teen Suicides

Nansel, T. R., Overpeck, M., Pilla, R. S., Ruan, W., June, S. B., & Scheidt, P. Bullying behaviors among US youth: Prevalence and association with psychosocial adjustment. Journal of American Medical Association, 285(16), 2094-2100.

How to Tackle Workplace Bullies

Public Personnel Management

The Serial Bully

What is Bullying?

Workplace Bullying: Canada Safety Council

Eating Well for Health

I have about 30 minutes to share what I have learned about eating well for health. My favorite books in the Calgary public libraries seem to be about food, nutrition, wellness, longevity and health. Of course I also read other subjects but my main pre-occupation is to learn more about healthy eating for good health.

Here are the major components of how to eat well for your health, based from my readings:

1. Eat mostly plant foods. This includes fresh fruits and vegetables, preferably grown by local farmers who don’t use artificial fertilizers and insecticides. Have at least 5-7 servings of plants foods everyday, in rainbow colors.

2. Choose healthy fats. Fatty fish like salmon, mackerel and sardines, are excellent sources of Omega 3s which could boost and enhance brain functioning. Between red meat and fish, choose fish instead.

3. Limit your intake of processed foods (cakes, ice cream, Coke) or avoid them altogether. Sugary foods have been linked to diabetes and obesity. Choose instead whole, unprocessed foods like oats, brown rice, wheat, beans.

4. If you need to fry, do so at a medium temperature to preserve the enzymes in the food and use as little oil as possible. If you need to grill (sugba, in Cebuano term), marinate your meat with soy sauce and crushed garlic. The garlic prevents the oxidative process when the meat is burned during the grilling process.

5. If you want to eat in a restaurant, ask for veggie salad to go with your main course. Avoid fatty and salty foods when ordering.

6. Drink green tea. It has antioxidants that will help your body combat oxidative stress.

7. Drink low-fat milk everyday. It is a good source of calcium.

8. Red meat is still a good source of proteins not found in plant foods. Choose lean or extra lean red meat. Use them as side dish to go with your veggies.

9. Choose healthy snacks such as fruits or nuts. Snacks should ward off hunger, and therefore, they should not be as huge as your main meals.

10. Take a multi-vitamin-mineral supplement everyday.

There. These are the basics. I suggest you read more about new, scientific research on how some foods can be our medicine. Remember, you are what you eat.

Enjoy eating for health!

What Is Resiliency?

Picture a time in your past when you felt the world will end. When you felt you cannot face another morning. Perhaps a co-worker bullied you, criticized you,  and spread malicious gossip about you--to the point that it was difficult for you even to breath. You lay in bed feeling so alone and rejected, you thought you could disappear and nobody will notice.

Now come back to the present. You are still here. The world did not end. You have welcomed so many glorious mornings. You have a fabulous group of supportive friends. And you find you are not alone. You thrived despite your adversity.

So how did you overcome those dreadful moments in your life? And how are you going to deal with distressing events in the future?

Believe it or not but you have a natural, inner strength that functions like an immune system. This inner strength enables you to bounce back from crisis and adversity. Psychologists call this ability as resiliency.

Defining Resiliency

This term is derived from the Latin word “resilire” meaning “to jump” (or bounce) back into shape (Webster’s New World Dictionary, 1974). Furthermore, it can be understood as:

• “the power or ability to return to the original form or position after being bent, compressed, or stretched” (Webster’s New World Dictionary, 1974);
• an adaptive, stress-resistant personal quality that allows the individual to “bounce” back and to thrive despite unfortunate life experiences (Markstrom, Marshall & Tryon, 2000; Place, Reynolds, Cousins & O’Neill, 2002);
• the process of, capacity for, or outcome of successful adaptation despite challenging or threatening circumstances (Masten, Best & Garmezy, 1990);
• an interactive product of beliefs, attitudes, approaches, behaviors and physiology that help people fare better during adversity and recover more quickly following it (Fostering Resilience in Response to Terrorism, n.d.).

However, resiliency is not a monolithic construct, that once achieved, will always be present. It is not a fixed attribute of the individual because circumstances in life may vary. When the situation changes, so may one’s resiliency (Masten, 2001).

Types of Resiliency

Three types of resilience can be gleaned from this multi-dimensional phenomenon according to Howard, Dryden and Johnson (1999):

1. the coping type of resilience wherein the individual does not succumb to adversity in the face of sustained and acute negative circumstances (e.g., continuous family conflict);
2. the “overcoming odds” type of resilience wherein the individual succeeds in recovering from crisis or trauma (e.g., death of a sibling or parent);
3. the thriving type of resilience wherein the individual is able to prosper from extreme trauma and becomes better despite of it (e.g., despite losing his leg, a war prisoner cared for the wounded and dying soldiers non-stop).

Hence, the capacity to be resilient acts as “protective shield” that helps people cope with the vicissitudes of a stressful world. It is obtained by a combination of personal characteristics (e.g., temperament) and psychological characteristics (locus of control). The people around you, the opportunities open to you, the conditions you are in--all these factors influence your capacity to be resilient.

Note to my readers: If you have any personal story of resiliency that you would like to share, send it to me at amy@deane.bio.ucalgary.ca. If it is good and well-written, I will include it in one of my books. It will be copyrighted in your name. Expect working with me in the editing process. Deadline for submission is December 31, 2010.

References:

Fostering resilience in response to terrorism (n.d.). Retrieved from www.APAHelpCenter.org/resilience

Howard, S., Dryden, J., & Johnson, B. (1999). Childhood resilience: review and critique of literature. Oxford Review of Education, 25(3), 307-323.

Markstrom, C. A., Marshall, S. K., & Tryon, R. J. (2000). Resiliency, social support, and coping in rural low-income Appalachian adolescents from two racial groups. Journal of Adolescence, 23, 693-703.

Masten, A. S. (2001). Ordinary magic: Resilience processes in development. American Psychologist, 56(3), 227-238.

Masten, A. S., Best, K., & Garmezy, N. (1990). Resilience and development: Contributions from the study of children who overcome adversity. Development and Psychology, 2, 425-444.

Place, M., Reynolds, J., Cousins, A., & O’Neill, S. (2002). Developing a resilience package for vulnerable children. Child and Adolescent Mental Health, 7(4), 162-167.

Webster’s New World Dictionary. (1974). 2nd College ed. Nelson, Foster & Scott Ltd: Toronto, Canada.

Surviving Cancer: A Postscript

I received some comments based from the article I wrote the other day about cancer. One was from a former Xavier University student who told me of her mother dying of lung cancer in 2004 and of her father dying in 2007 of pancreatic mass, complicated with diabetes. A new friend from Illinois shared her story about her aunt Sarah who died of womb cancer.

Their stories are heart-breaking. Any person who has witnessed a loved one suffer and then die of cancer will know the pain associated with it. My mother died of stomach cancer in 1998 when she was 77 years old. I was a rebel child, her only child, but when cancer struck her I suffered with her. I agonized day after day at the thought of losing her. I researched the area of oncology, looking for the best treatment for her. I made a wager with God that I will give up all my material possessions if He will heal her. She eventually died after so much suffering on her part and on my mine.

Not all people who has cancer dies. Some survive. My Ph.D. supervisor, who used to climb the Three Sisters Mountains in Kananaskis, survived. He had cancer of the blood. A good friend of mine, also a professor at the University of Calgary, had a similar cancer. He travels all over the world, including the Philippines, to help marginalized people. He survived. A former co-worker of mine, who worked in the same non-profit organization where I used to work, had colo-rectal cancer. He too, survived.

So what do these three people have in common that helped them defy the odds of dying from cancer? First of all, they are middle-age. Their ages ranged from 55 to 66. Second, they are male. Third, they are all living in Canada. These demographics might have something to do with their survival but there could be other factors as discussed below:

Positive Attitude. These three survivors have one thing in common: a positive attitude. They might have been shocked and traumatized upon being told by their doctor that they have cancer. Initially, they were probably depressed. However, they did not sulk in the corner and blamed God. Nor did they wallow in self-pity. They maintained a positive attitude which includes hope, acceptance, fighting spirit, and looking on the bright side.

There are contradictory reports on the relationship between positive attitude and cancer patient survival. Some studies suggest that a positive attitude has no bearing on cancer survival. However, some studies show that a positive attitude is an important component in surviving cancer (Kamloops Daily News; Journal of Advanced Nursing; The Kingston Whig Standard). Conversely, a negative attitude, such as hopelessness and helplessness, is associated with decreased cancer survival (The Lancet).

Social Support. Numerous research show the importance of social support, in the form of cohesive family and caring friends, in surviving cancer. For instance, cancer patients who are socially isolated show a higher death rate compared to those who are socially integrated and having the most social ties (Journal of Clinical Oncology). Health care providers (doctors, nurses) are also important sources of support, with emotional support considered as very helpful to cancer patients  (Journal of Social Issues). The number of supportive friends, supportive persons, the extent of contact with friends, and the size of social network are considered statistically important for survival (Social Science and Medicine).

The three cancer survivors I have mentioned have strong social support from their family, friends, and co-workers. The two professors continued working despite having cancer, meeting students, editing theses, giving lectures. My co-worker immersed himself in helping problematic kids stay away from trouble. They may have looked like hell on some days but they carried on, with family and friends acting like cheerleaders. One of the two professors wore a hat for two years to hide his baldness as a result of chemotherapy, yet he was always wearing his brightest smile, always sincerely curious about how other people are doing.

Early Detection. Stage of cancer at diagnosis is the best predictor of survival (Journal of Psychosomatic Research). This means medical screening and early detection is crucial in surviving cancer. Some cancers do not have any symptoms but if you are experiencing any or some of the symptoms listed below, you should go to your doctor immediately:

• Persistent cough or blood-tinged saliva
• A change in bowel habits
• Blood in the stool 
• Unexplained anemia
• Breast lump or breast discharge
• Lumps in the testicles
• A change in urination
• Blood in the urine
• Hoarseness
• Persistent lumps or swollen gland
• Obvious change in a wart or a mole
• Indigestion or difficulty swallowing
• Unusual vaginal bleeding or discharge
• Unexpected weight loss, night sweats, or fever
• Continued itching in the anal or genital area
• Nonhealing sores
• Headaches
• Back pain, pelvic pain, bloating, or indigestion

For a detailed discussion of the symptoms of cancer, go to: emedicinehealth

The three individuals I have mentioned who survived cancer had their cancer detected early. They did not wait until they were feeling worse. At the onset of a symptom they immediately went to their doctor and this singular act was probably one of the reasons why they survived cancer.

To conclude, take good care of yourself. Eat healthy. Minimize red meat in your diet and choose plant foods. Try to have more than 5 servings of fruits and vegetables daily. 

Sleep well, at least 7 hours. Engage in physical activity daily, at least 30 to 45 minutes.  Avoid carcinogens in your food and in your environment.

Stay positive. Have lots of good friends, the ones you can count on. Manage your stress. Develop a resilient attitude. Pray. 

Go to your doctor as soon as you notice something abnormal.


You are important.




Suggested Readings

Health News Today: Cancer--An Overview

Cancer is a leading cause of death worldwide, according to the World Health Organization. It accounted for 7.4 million deaths in 2004. Lung, stomach, liver, colon, and breast cancer cause the most cancer, with tobacco use the single most important risk factor. Worldwide cancer deaths is projected to climb, with an estimated 12 million deaths in 2030.

Cancer is the name given to diseases in which cells multiply abnormally. Cancer cells are called "rebel" cells because they do not follow genetic instructions.

Cancer cell error occurs when there is mutation in a single cell which eventually lead to abnormal cell division. For cancer cells to thrive, they need oxygen and therefore they invade into blood vessels. Once they are in blood vessels, they go into other parts of the body and grow. This process is called metastasis.

What causes cancer?

Cancer be caused by any or a combination of the following: heredity and external agents. Three categories of external agents include:

• physical carcinogens (ultraviolet and ionizing radiation)
• chemical carcinogens (asbestos, components of tobacco smoke, aflatoxin [a food contaminant], and arsenic [a drinking water contaminant])
• biological carcinogens (infections from certain viruses, bacteria or parasites)

Examples of infections associated with certain cancers

• viruses: hepatitis B and liver cancer, Human Papilloma Virus (HPV) and cervical cancer, and human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) and Kaposi carcoma.
• bacteria: Helicobacter pylori and stomach cancer
• parasites: schistosomiasis and bladder cancer

Cancer risk factors

1. tobacco use
2. being overweight or obese
3. low fruit and vegetable intake
4. physical inactivity
5. alcohol use
6. sexually transmitted HPV-infection
7. urban air pollution
8. indoor smoke from household use of solid fuels

Prevention strategies

• increase avoidance of the risk factors listed above
• vaccinate against human papilloma virus (HPV) and hepatitis B virus (HBV)
• control occupational hazards
• reduce exposure to sunlight

American Cancer Society (ACS) Guidelines on Nutrition and Physical Activity for Cancer Prevention

Maintain a healthy weight throughout life.

• Balance caloric intake with physical activity.
• Avoid excessive weight gain throughout the life cycle.
• Achieve and maintain a healthy weight if currently overweight or obese.

Adopt a physically active lifestyle

• Adults: engage in at least 30 minutes of moderate to vigorous activity, at least 5 days per week. Forty-five to 60 minutes of intentional activity are preferable.
• Children and adolescents: engage in at least 60 minutes per day of moderate to vigorous physical activity at least 5 days per week.

Consume a healthy diet, with emphasis on plant sources.

• Choose foods and beverages in amounts that help achieve and maintain a healthy weight.
• Eat five or more servings of a variety of vegetables and fruits each day.
• Choose whole grains in preference to processed (refined) grains.
• Limit consumption of processed and red meats.

Treatment

There are three modalities to treat cancer: 

1. Surgery (when tumor is localized) 
2. Radiation therapy (when tumor is too big for surgery)
3. Drugs, such as chemotherapy (when cancer has spread). Chemotherapy, which often leads to nausea and hair loss, can shrink certain proportions of cancer and may prolong the life of some patients. 

References

American Cancer Society Guidelines on Nutrition and Physical Activity for Cancer Prevention

Health & Wellness Resource Center

World Health Organization

Suggested Readings