Random Acts of Kindness

"Your greatness is measured by your kindness; 

your education and intellect by your modesty; 

your ignorance is betrayed by your suspicions and prejudices, 

and your real caliber is measured by the consideration and tolerance you have for others."

~William J.H. Boetcker

I was just finishing my lunch today at the North Hill Centre food court, when suddenly, a box of blueberries fell and landed underneath a nearby table where an older woman was also having lunch. I rushed to pick up what was left of her blueberries in its container and gave it to her. I tried to pick up the scattered ones and she told me she doesn’t want the ones that are already in the floor. A lady janitor immediately went to work, removing the blueberries off the floor.  

The older woman, who told me she’s 79 years old, looked so disappointed and dejected, telling me she loves blueberries to go with her cereal and yogurt. I told her this fruit is one of the top 5 fruits in terms of health benefits. After a few more conversations with her about the merits of eating blueberries, I excused myself and ran to the nearest Safeway store, logging my heavy gym bag in my back. I knew what to buy--a box of blueberries!

I returned to the food court and gave her the box of blueberries. She was so surprised and gave me an immense, happy smile, thanked me profusely, and told me she wants a hug to go with the blueberries. I gave her a tight hug and at that instant, she was no longer a stranger having lunch in the food court who lost 2/3 of her blueberries. She was a person transformed by a little act of kindness.

Lesson: A small act of kindness goes a long way. It creates joy and happiness between the giver and the receiver and its impression could last a long time.

The Days of Our Lives

"The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered...We know that. And yes, there are certainly times when we aren't able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like. It's called being human. But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful.” 
~ Elizabeth Edwards

I was told that she is a 31-year old Filipina caregiver and is suffering from Stage 4 lung cancer. Her oncologist had informed her in January 2012 that she has only 3 months to live. She requested to have a female counsellor but only if that counsellor is a Filipina. I was then asked to provide counselling to her, pro bono. And even though I was already working as a volunteer for the Filipino community, I said yes to the program coordinator of a non-governmental association helping immigrant women in Calgary.

Her name is Jane, and as I hugged her the first time we met in May 2012, I wondered if she will die soon. If the 3-month diagnosis applies, she would have died a month before. On the day of our meeting, she had walked the 7-minute walking distance from the train station to Safeway where I was waiting for her. I looked at her as we exchanged pleasantries: Her face was full of brown dotted spots, as if measles had mercilessly invaded her; she was strikingly bald, and her skin has turned brown, results of the “tablet” form of chemotherapy, she explained. However, there was something profound I noticed in our first encounter: she was happy and all smiles.

We went to have lunch in a nearby Vietnamese restaurant and I let her do the talking. She said she was supposed to have died the previous month as her cancer has metastasized to her brain. Test results in January 2012 showed brain tumor. The diagnosis looked grim. However, she told me that she can now walk without having to gasp for air and is feeling much better. So I gave her my own analysis. I told her that some cancer patients survive mainly because of their positive attitude, their belief that they can be healed, and their determination to survive against all odds. The rest is up to science.

Jane and I met several times after that and every time we meet, she appears to be improving. Last November 2012, 10 months after her oncologist told her that she has only 3 more months to live, she asked me to meet her for lunch as she has something wonderful to tell me. Between spoonfuls of fruits, she told me she had passed her driver’s test and had bought a brand new Honda Civic (to be paid monthly and on a lease). She said she didn’t want to own the car because she might still die. She is starting to buy new clothes because she sent most of her clothes back to the Philippines, thinking that she will only have 3 months to live. And latest test scans reveal her brain tumor had shrunk. She is breathing so well that she’s walking and jogging every other day. She is working again as a caregiver. And she has applied for permanent residence in Canada. What a transformation in less than a year! After our lunch, she brought me home in her new Honda Civic. I am so proud of her and how she handled her cancer. What a remarkable human being!

Lessons learned: Connecting with friends is important. Nothing is impossible. Cancer is not a death sentence for some people who have tremendous will to survive. Being brave is optional but having faith in God is not. Resilience is arrived at after meeting the prospect of death. There is such a thing as a miracle.

When God Winks

This happened a few years ago: I was on my way home one cold, late wintry afternoon. It was cold, probably -17 C, and I was tired after a day's work. I was on a bus when I noticed a man, probably in his late 60s, sitting near me, with blood oozing from his nose. There were blood stains in front of his jacket. He was visibly shaking. He asked the driver to stop at the bus stop where he could take another bus to take him to Foothills Hospital. We stopped at the same stop point and I could see that he had difficulty walking. After crossing the street, we went to the same bus shelter and by this time, he looked like he will collapse anytime. I told him to sit down, to hang on, and assured him I will help him get to Foothills Hospital.

I frantically waved at an incoming ambulance with no siren lights. I quickly realized you have to call an ambulance instead of simply waving at it because it merely passed by without stopping. Some agonizing minutes later, a bus with a notice that says "Out of Service" approached. I went to the curb of the road, waved frantically, and the bus driver stopped. I explained the situation to him and pleaded to take the man and me to the emergency section of Foothills Hospital. He must have been a kind person because he did.

A month later, I saw the same man on the same bus route. He smiled when he saw me so I moved and sat close to him. I asked him what his problem was when I brought him to Foothills Hospital. He said he was experiencing internal bleeding and was in the hospital for 5 days. He further told me that he needs a weekly blood transfusion and that he was on his way to Foothills Hospital for that. He thanked me for saving his life because the doctors told him had he arrived 30 minutes later, he would have died from internal bleeding.

Lessons of this story: I learned that you have to be compassionate to anyone who needs your help, even to a complete stranger. Life is precious and if you can extend one man's life by doing what you could to help, then that is a moment when God winks at you and gives you His loving embrace.

Grieving: The Lessons

Grief doesn't have to be a passive thing that happens to you.
Grief is first and foremost something you do to heal your wounds
after experiencing a terrible loss in your life. 

~Bob Deitz, Life After Loss

I have just recently lost my life partner, Deane. We were each other's worlds, and our love shaped the life we shared everyday. 

When I met Deane 10 years ago, my heart clicked in the right places. When he died on the night of June 24, 2011, I was broken into pieces: pieces that hurt and agonized, pieces that ached for him, pieces that died with him.

People say that you are lucky if you find your one true love in this world. I consider myself as one of those lucky persons. And although my grief right now is deep and painfully raw, Deane 's love for me and my love for him will carry us through into a place of wholeness and transcendence.

I would like to share with you some lessons I am learning while in the process of grieving, hoping that should you traverse the same path one day, you will see the footprints I left behind.

It is okay to cry. Tears are healing. You accept your pain and your vulnerability when you cry. You embrace the turmoil of your soul when you cry. Crying is an acknowledgement that your world is never going to be the same again.

It is okay to feel as though you're falling apart. The death of your loved one can shock the entire system of your body. You might feel you are dying inside. You can't eat, you can't smell the coffee, you can't see the nice flowers.  

It is okay to feel lost and insecure. When someone you love dies, the normality of your life is broken. You feel like a ship without an anchor and without direction. Suddenly, you are made to face one big challenge: How to live without your loved one.

It is okay to slow down. Grieving takes time. There are days when you would just want to curl and cry. There are times when you want to shut your curtains and sit in the dark. There are nights when you cannot sleep and days when you cannot face the morning sun.

It is okay to be distracted and feel out of sorts. You may become forgetful, not focused, even disoriented. You may forget phone numbers and names of some people. You may experience exhaustion, as though you have just gone through a major surgery. There is just too much pain  that your mind and body gets out of whack for some time.

It is okay to feel intense emotions. You may feel deep pain and sadness around special occasions: birthdays, anniversaries or Christmases. Some places can trigger vivid memories and some objects owned by your loved one can bring tears. Allow yourself to feel these intense emotions as a way of respecting your grieving self.

It is okay to feel the presence of your loved one. You need not be scared if you sense the presence of your loved one. You might see an image, hear his/her voice, or feel your loved one's touch. It is okay to smell your loved one's scent or see his/her fleeting image. These experiences might be your loved one's way of contacting you to bring you comfort.

It is okay to be afraid. Your world has been thrown out of balance and that can be a terrifying feeling. It's okay to be afraid of the unknown after the death of your loved one. Fear enables you to take control of your safety. Fear makes you bolt your doors at night or to close your windows before going to bed. The feeling of fear, which is natural during the grieving process, can lead you to care for yourself.

It is okay to lose your sense of purpose. Your life's purpose might have been part of your deceased loved one's purpose, too. You might have had dreams and had envisioned what to accomplish together. There was certainty until your loved one's death. Suddenly, your life does not seem to have a purpose anymore. You are left with shattered dreams.

It is okay to accept help from others. You are not alone in your grief. Your friends, relatives and neighbors may have experienced having lost their loved ones, too. They want to comfort you and ease your pain. Accept whatever help they offer, be it a dinner invitation, a walk to a park, or an offer to cut your grass.

Because I'm still grieving, the lessons I have shared with you are the lessons I am going through. I have lost the most wonderful person I have ever met and I will always miss him.

The best way to honor Deane is to continue to live with meaning, aware that he just left ahead and that one day, I will be with him.

Meanwhile, my tears still flow.

Grieving

Dear Readers:

My beloved husband, Deane McIntyre, died suddenly last June 24, 2011.

I would like to take time off from writing my weekly article as I grieve his passing.

Here is the link to his obituary: http://www.legacy.com/can-calgary/Obituaries.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonID=152269937

Thank you so much for following my articles.

~Amy

Learning from Shania Twain

When everything goes without a hitch,

where's the challenge,

the opportunity to find out

what you're made of?

~Shania Twain 

One of the many gifts I received on my birthday from my hubby, Deane, is Shania Twain's memoir, From This Moment On (buy it here). I had placed a hold of this book in the Nose Hill Library but there were 373 people before me, and even though there are 18 copies to go around, it would takes months before I can finally read it. I am grateful for Deane's loving thoughtfulness.

I have started reading Shania's book which detailed her early childhood.  I am now in Chapter 7, where she described 1978 as the worst year of her life. She just turned 13. Extreme poverty, her parents' constant marital conflicts (which oftentimes turned violent), her mother's severe depression--all this has caused fatigue and stress in what she calls her "dysfunctional home". In this chapter, this young teenager narrated how she helped her mother and younger siblings escape to a shelter for battered women to put an end to the domestic violence in her family home.

Shania Twain, whose real name is Eilleen Twain, is one of five children born into poverty in rural Canada. Her family often didn't have enough food that she sometimes would go without breakfast or without lunch in school. In -25 degree Celsius she would go outside during recess despite wearing only worn-out rubber shoes with plastic bags over her socks to keep her feet dry.

What can we learn from Shania Twain from the first six chapters of her book? 

Living a frugal life. Shania never complained about eating goulash (boiled milk poured over broken pieces of dry, white bread and topped with brown sugar) most of the days. Looking back, she saw the benefit of a simple diet with little meat as a better choice to fattening, synthetic, refined foods.

Lesson: To live a frugal life is to live simply. Why buy more than you need?

Being resourceful. Even when Shania's family had enough to eat, they would make food last. Shania learned how to ration food and prepare meals just enough to go around with nothing left over. She was able to make things last and to make something of value from simple things. 

Lesson: When you don't have the resources, you can learn to be resourceful, thus empowering you to be more self-sufficient. 

Following your dream. At age 7, Shania learned how to tap melodies on a cheap electric keyboard. At age 8, she learned to play the guitar. At age 10, Shania started writing lyrics for songs. Her music became her savior. She began to perform during house parties of relatives. Although she was petrified being on stage, she would muster enough courage to sing. Her dream was to write songs and sing as a back-up singer. Guess what? Aside from being a five-time Grammy Award winner,  she is now a best-selling artist in Canada, having sold over 80 million albums worldwide. 

Here are a couple of my favorite songs: Forever and For Always and You're Still The One.

Lesson: Find those dreams you have tucked inside you and bring out your best, magical self by going in the direction of your dream. It's a risk but it's worth it.

The power of Shania's book lies in her ability to write about her life in an honest way. In her introduction, she hopes that her life story will serve as a guide or as an inspiration to others who are struggling to find meaning in their life.

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I will continue to read this book and will share what I have learned from it next week.

Until then, leave your comments below.

Have a wonderful week, my dear readers!

Are You An Optimist?

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity. 

An optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

~Winston Churchhill

Optimism is about great expectations. We expect our future to be rosy. We expect our relationship to last. We expect the economy to bounce back. We expect our kids to do well in life.

Optimism is a belief about the future, the belief that more good things than bad can be expected (read Breaking Murphy's Law, 2007). And the belief that the future will be much better than the past is known as the optimism bias (read The Optimism Bias by Tali Sharot, 2011). 

If it were not for our optimism bias, writes Sharot, we might still be all cave dwellers, still huddled together, dreaming of light, heat, and food.

Optimists, according to a Duke University study, have better career prospects and are more likely to get promoted compared with those who have a pessimistic attitude. Further, researchers at the University of Pittsburg discovered that optimists live longer, healthier lives than pessimists. 

How do you know if you are an optimist? Below are some indicators to gauge if you are one, according to Sharot:

You expect your life to turn out better--to be be able to afford that nice house on the hill, to find perfect love, to obtain a high-paying job, to finish your MA or PhD degree, to write that riveting, award-winning novel.

You expect your children to be extraordinarily gifted, you envision yourself as achieving more in life than your peers or former classmates, and you imagine having a long, healthy life.

Even when you experience unfortunate events, you automatically confirm that your misfortune is a blessing in disguise. Losing your job, being diagnosed with cancer, or your marriage ending up in divorce--all these, you believe, may lead to more fulfilling life events, as you look for the silver linings in the storms of your life. 

When you encounter difficulties, Tali Sharot comments that your brain seems to possess the philosopher's stone that enables you to turn lead into gold and helps you bounce back  to normal levels of well-being. Sharot's research in brain imaging shows that the brain is hard-wired to encode only the positive information. So when you read success stories like Oprah Winfrey, Steve Jobs, or Bill Gates, your brain will note the possibility that one day you could also become immensely wealthy and popular.

However, the optimism bias can lead to overly positive assumptions. Thus, you might less likely to get your regular check-up, apply sunscreen, open a savings account, or bring your umbrella on a cloudy day. Too much optimism can bring about unexpected illness, financial hardships, or simply getting wet in the rain.

So if you are an optimist, try not to be overly positive. Get your medical check-up, apply your sunscreen, save money, and yes, bring your umbrella. 

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I hope you have learned something important in this week's article.

Leave your comments below.

Have an amazing week, dear readers!

Savoring Life

Savor life's tiny delights - a crackling fire, 

a glorious sunset, a hug from a child, 

a walk with a loved one, 

a kiss behind the ear. 

~ John Anthony

Is life like a blur for you or is it something you savor every moment? Do you bathe yourself in feelings of anger, anxiety, guilt, and fear or do you find amazing moments here and there?

The way you experience life can be anything from boredom to ecstasy. Studies show that resilient and happy people look for and focus on the positive aspects of a situation (read Alicia Salzer's Back to Life, 2011).  

There are four elements to savoring life, according to Fred B. Bryant and Joseph Veroff (see Savoring: A New Model of Positive Experience). I will summarize them below:

Basking. Sometimes you are too self-conscious in accepting admiration. Yet to savor life, you need to bask at people's congratulations and admiration when something good happens in your life (e.g., graduating from MBA, having a baby on the way, getting a promotion). Soak up the glory and relish being in the limelight once in a while. It is good for your self-esteem and for your happiness quotient.

Thanksgiving. Communicate your gratitude to others by a simple, "Thank You". Only two words but they are a powerful way to acknowledge and appreciate gifts and blessings. Delight in what others have given you, whether it is great or small, material or spiritual. Acknowledge that you have arrived at this point in life because of the contributions you have received from others.

Marveling. Be amazed with life and its wonders, from a child's tiny fingers to the earth's magnificence. Be filled with awe and wonder at the morning sunrise, the smell of coffee, the light rain, the newly-opened flower, the beauty of the human body, the grandeur of the universe, and your being here to experience all these. 

Luxuriating. Derive pleasure from sensory experience--the smell of perfume, the sound of your favorite music, the sensual touch of your partner's hand, the taste of mango, the warmth of summer afternoons, the colors of a rainbow. Indulge in some healthy (and ethical) gratification you can afford (e.g.. a spa, a trip to the beauty saloon, a body massage). 

Savoring can lead to some great emotions like profound gratitude, passionate tenderness, serenity,  contentment. It can be used as a survival skill, a coping mechanism, and an antidote to unhappiness.

To savor, anticipate the good things coming your way, lose yourself in the moment, relax and enjoy the experience.

Learn to be a habitual savorer and squeeze more juice out of pleasurable events.

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Hello, my dear readers! I hope you have learned something good from my article this week that will translate nicely into your life.

As always, don't forget to leave your message below.

Carpe diem!

Redefining Power

In order to succeed, people need a sense of self-efficacy, 

strung together with resilience to meet the inevitable 

obstacles and inequities of life.

~Albert Bandura

In my first autumn here in Calgary, Alberta (year 2002), I planted 120 tulips in two garden beds which had some pre-existing irises and bleeding heart flowers.

I have never done any gardening before and I thought that if I can grow flowers in our front yard, I will be fine in my new life here in Calgary. The planting season here is only 120 days or even less. I was told that planting anything here, in Zone 3 hardiness, is a science. I comforted myself that if those 120 tulips will grow, then I can succeed and flourish here.

The tulips bloomed the following spring in resplendent yellow, red, black and white colors. I received a lot of compliments from passers-by. Growing tulips and being successful in gardening has taught me a different kind of power, a personal one. It is called self-efficacy.

What is self-efficacy? Albert Bandura defined it as our belief in our ability to succeed in our goals. It pertains to our perception of how competent we are and of our ability to master difficult tasks instead of avoiding them. The way we view our self-efficacy determines the personal power we have over our ambitions, tasks, and challenges.

Personal power is not about having a prestigious job or having a lot of money, although most people think these constitute power.  Personal power is having a belief that we can change things in our lives for the better. It is a defining characteristic of resilient people.

Two kinds of self-efficacy. There are two kinds of self-efficacy. The first one is external efficacy--the belief that we have the power to get things done in the outside world. It may involve the power to speak up and be heard, to have an effect, to make a change.

The other type of self-efficacy is internal efficacy--the belief that we have control over our internal world, the understanding that we are at the helm of our own emotional journey. Our emotions are at the mercy of our thoughts and our thoughts are under our voluntary control.

A truly resilient person has both internal and external self-efficacy. But internal efficacy is where it all begins. For instance, it means being able to pull ourselves out of depression, anger, numbness, or feelings of trauma.

Personal power then is having the confidence that we can restore our psychological equilibrium if we have lost it, that we can take positive action in improving our wayward negative emotions, and that we can start somewhere, believing we can accomplish something good.

As for my gardening, I have been planting all kinds of flowers and even vegetables since that fall season of 2002. I have since added five more garden beds to the existing two. I have created a butterfly garden two weeks ago to support and sustain dwindling number of butterflies and bees. 

And yes, I have proven to myself I can succeed and flourish here.

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I hope you have learned something positive by reading this article and previous ones.

Please leave your comments below. 

Have a good week, my dear readers!

Are You Flourishing?

I’ve come to think that flourishing consists of putting yourself 
in situations in which you lose self-consciousness and 
become fused with other people, experiences, or tasks. 
It happens sometimes when you are lost in a hard challenge, 
or when an artist or a craftsman becomes one 
with the brush or the tool. 
~David Brooks

A person is considered to be flourishing if they perceive that their life is good, that it is going well. Flourishing is a combination of psychological well-being and effective functioning.

Individuals who are flourishing "learn effectively, work productively, have better social relations, are likely to contribute to their community, and have better health and life expectancy" (see Huppert & So, 2009).

People mired in addiction or severe forms of depression and anxiety are said to have mental health problems. They might be experiencing difficulties and unhappiness. As such, they are described as "languishing".

To flourish, an individual must have all three core features below and at least three of the six additional features (Seligman, 2011). I will briefly discuss them.

Core Features

Positive emotions. These emotions can range from amusement, awe, gratitude, to inspiration, peace, empathy, and happiness. It is fueled by the desire for enjoyment and unity, and therefore takes the whole into consideration--interacting with others and whatever is worth connecting to in your world.

Engagement. Did time stop for you? Were you completely absorbed by the task? Engagement is being in the "flow," of being focused, with emotions and mind aligned to accomplish goals and projects.

Meaning. This is "belonging to" and "serving" something that you believe is bigger than the self. Being involved in a cause (i.e., running for breast cancer, advocating to eliminate child poverty) provide meaning and purpose to one's life.


Additional Features

Self-esteem. Do you like your self? Self-esteem is a crucial feature because it affects how you think, act, and relate to others. Self-esteem is your opinion of your self, the value you place on your self.

Optimism. This is the ability to see the positive side of things, of looking at the glass half full (instead of half empty). It is being hopeful and confident about the future or successful outcome.

Resilience. Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, or crisis. It is "bouncing back" into shape and to thrive despite unfortunate experiences.

Vitality. This is the state of being strong and active. It is the ability to endure, to be fully alive (not just  partly alive) and be enthusiastic about life. Goals cannot be realized without vitality in mind and in body.

Self-determination. This is the ability to make choices without external interference or pressure. Ernest Henley sums this up neatly in the last stanza of his poem, Invictus:  "I am the master of of my fate, I am the captain of my soul."

Positive relationships. Human beings are meant to relate to one another. Feelings of indescribable joy, the sense of profound meaning, and the highlights of your life took place around other people. Other people provides antidote to the ups and down of life--providing shelter when life is stormy and oodles of sunshine when life is good.

The primary question to you, my dear reader, is: Are you flourishing? Do you experience the three core features of positive emotions, engagement, and meaning? And do you experience at least three of the six additional features?

Why is it important for you to flourish? To flourish is to grow, to develop, and to become the human person you were meant to be or wanted to be. Dreams are concretized when you flourish. The world is a better place when you flourish. Other people become your inspiration when you flourish. You feel good and on top of the world when you flourish. Need I say more?


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Have a good week, dear readers! As usual, leave your comments below. Take care!

Acquiring Resilience

Whatever it is, if it doesn’t make you happy, walk away, give it away to someone else who wants it. Let it be their next dream; let it flee from you. Then you have room to grow, to allow magnificent things to fill the vacuum of those seemingly empty places. When you hold onto yesterday, when you hold onto dead and dying adventures, you have no room in your box for greatness.

~Author Unknown

One of the ways to develop resilience is to embrace change. Realize then that your situation is not carved in stone. You have the power to change your life if your situation contributes to your unhappiness and suffering. 

I know of some people who stay in a loveless marriage because of their children. I have unhappy friends who are stuck in their job because they need to have an income to support their family. I know of some women who are mistreated by their husband but don't know where to to go or what to do, so they stay.

Stagnation will get you nowhere. The change that comes with developing your resilience will propel you towards a new direction, to an undiscovered greatness, and to a strength you thought you never had. 

Acquiring resilience would depend on the following self-efficacious behaviors:

Can you pick yourself up? To develop resilience, you must be able to wither life's problems and traumas by picking yourself up, getting on with your life, and getting the resources you need to soothe yourself. This inevitably requires change, from being in a dormant state to a flourishing one. To flourish means choosing positive emotions over negative ones, to be engaged in some worthwhile pursuits  rather than be stagnant, and to live a life of purpose as opposed to being aimless (see Martin Seligman, 2011).

Can you solve your problems? To acquire resilience means you believe that all problems have a solution, that you have the ability to find the answers, and that you can free your self from  problems that inhibit you from following your dream. You are realistic enough to know that life will always have problems yet you have the inner confidence that because you have solve previous problems, you are better equipped to solve new ones. In due time, you would have gained the wisdom to navigate life's problems without fear and apprehension.

Are you raised in a supportive environment? Resilience involves being raised in an environment where people believe in you, where people see the best in you, and where you are allowed to learn from your mistakes. You need role models from family, friends, and relatives who demonstrated how they pulled themselves together in times of crises and difficulties. You need people in your environment who modeled what it is to have positive attitude despite hardships (see Alicia Salzer, 2011).

What is your coping style? Acquiring resilience means being able to respond fittingly to events that you have no control of. Salzer describes four emotional coping styles and I will summarize them below: 

1. The Mouse: The coping style of the mouse is to ruminate and spiral into negativity. You could feel exhausted, overwhelmed, hopeless, powerless, in need of rescuing, or in need of escape.
     
2. The Bull: The coping style of the bull is best described as anger. In your world, there is a right and wrong, a way things should be done, and you harbor past slights and fantasize about revenge.


3. The Bee: The coping style of the bee is that of engaging in a whirlwind of activities but you are not particularly aware of how you are feeling beneath the surface. You get more than in a day than most people do in a week and you are often highly accomplished.
   


4. The Wolf: The coping style of the wolf is staying calm, cool, and in control. You rarely lose your temper and you don't burst into spontaneous tears. Past experience taught you that the only person you can count on is yourself.

Can you try these? If you think your coping style does not allow you to be resilient, you can try the following alternative coping style to stage your own rescue intervention, according to Salzer:

• Borrowing the tools of your heroes: You can use the example of your heroes (or other people you admire) to help you explore alternative ways of responding and coping with challenges. 


• Assume a character you want to be: Choose a character who has a better coping style than your own and go to the real world and play out this character as if cameras are rolling. Behaving like your character may set you in a new direction emotionally, one that will help you better able to cope.

Becoming more resilient involves change, a movement from one situation to, hopefully, a better one. You would need to harness your ability to stand up if you fall, brush yourself up, solve your problems, be surrounded with supportive people, improve your coping style, and most importantly, to believe in yourself.

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I hope this article will help you thrive and flourish to become more resilient.

As usual, please feel free to leave your comments below.

Have a good week, my dear readers!

Seeing the Best in You: Part II

To be nobody but yourself in a world doing its best 

to make you everybody else means to fight 

the hardest battle any human can ever fight 

and never stop fighting.

~ e. e. cummings

Last week I wrote about Seeing the Best in You: Part I, where I described some of the qualities that make you a wonderful human being.

Today, I would continue to explore other qualities that make you an amazing person.

Here they are:

Love. You are capable of deep love, commitment, and connection. Your connections go beyond the human level and you feel you are a part of nature, such that you care for your environment and its wildlife. Also, you measure wealth in terms of the quality of your relationships, be it with your family, friends, or co-workers.

Love of learning. You are always learning something new, regardless of your age or education. You are excited at the prospect of knowing things you have not known before and you use all kinds of resources to accomplish this--from physical to mental, from analog to digital, from books to ebooks, from old to new, from history to geography. You delight in learning about various cultures and how people are similar and yet different. 

Open-mindedness. You are not rigid about right and wrong, about how things are done, about how people choose. You realize that the world is not "black and white" but also shades of grey. You are always willing to understand others' points of view without compromising your own values. 

Perseverance. You believe in working hard, in being focused, and in getting things done. You are not easily discouraged by the height of the mountain you have to climb or the rugged valleys you have to traverse. You know that you can accomplish things if you just stick to your goals.

Perspective. You have the ability to see the big picture. While others may be confused, you see situations clearly. Although you might be immersed in your subjective experience, you also have the ability to be objective and thus see the antecedents and consequences of certain decisions and events. 

Prudence. You always take time to think through first before acting. Being risky and impulsive is not part of your personality. This is shown in careful deliberation before making important decisions. For instance, you are not an impulsive lover or buyer. And you are careful not to say things that you will later regret. 

Self-regulation. You have the ability to control your self. You balance your desires with an anticipatory knowledge of consequences. You sometimes indulge but not over-indulge. Your impulses do not get the best of you and you know that the reward is worth the work and the wait. 

Simplicity. It is elegance in having few, whether it is in clothes, make-up, furniture, house arrangement, or in writing. You appreciate simple moments and things, without too much complication and clutter.  

Spirituality. You believe in the transcendence. Your internal dialogue is attuned to Someone who is your guide and solace when situations are joyful or difficult. Your insight and understanding of some universal truths and forces provide rich context in your life.

Zest. You are blessed with energy and enthusiasm. You make things happen, you love your life, and are excited about your plans. In short, you have the "joie de vivre" and you are a magnet to people because of your cheerful enjoyment of life.

These are some of the qualities that constitute the best in you. There might be other important qualities as well that I have not included here. 

Take note that you are not born with these qualities; they are learned over the years and can be difficult to master. Thus, I say to you, you are becoming more wonderful each day.

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As always, feel free to leave your comments below. 

You can also suggest any topic of interest and I will do my best to write about it.

Have an awesome week, dear readers!

Seeing the Best in You: Part I

No matter what age you are, or what your circumstances might be, 

you are special, and you still have something unique to offer. 

Your life, because of who you are, has meaning.

~ Barbara De Angelis

Never go through life without affirming that you are special and unique. Nobody is like you. Anybody can be a parent but not like you. Anybody can cook but not like you. Anybody can be a friend but not like you. Anybody can laugh but not like you. Anybody can love but not like you.

Today, I would like you to think of how amazing you are, no matter what has happened in your past and  despite your insecurities and failures in the present. Today, I would like you to look at the best in you and celebrate your magnificence. 

Below are some qualities of the wonderful person that you are:

Authenticity. It is possible you have hidden your true self from others, once in a while. You might be afraid that others might not accept you for who you are and so you pretend you are someone you are not. But the best part in you is your real self. Your genuine self is unduplicated and this makes you special and unique. Therefore, you strive to be your real self.

Bravery. Every hurdle you have made, every problem you have solved, every trauma you have overcame has made you brave. Deep inside you is a courageous person, constantly slaying some some inner demons and fighting some external battles. You are unafraid to speak your mind, even if your idea is unpopular or controversial. You stick up for those who are wronged but do not let anyone be cruel or unjust to you.

Creativity. You have the inner resources to be a genius in your own way. You paint, write, take photos, decorate, and learn something new. You are ingenious, flexible, and original. You believe it is never too late to hone your creative self. Colonel Sanders began his franchise when he was in his 60s, Grandma Moses started painting in her 70s,  and Bill Taylor started drawing in his 80s. Right now, you might be at the cusp of your own creative genius. Whatever your genius be, you're doing it!

Curiosity. Your best self is fed with your curiosity. You try new things, learn new skills, and experience adventures you haven't had yet. Although it feels comfortable to be in your familiar surroundings, you sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it, to try unchartered waters. You know there will always be something new out there to experience. 

Excellence. You strive to be your best, whether it is as simple as cooking a meal or as complicated as writing an annual report. Mediocrity is not part of your game plan. The drive for excellence emanates from within you, not from outside you. It is a striving for more, such that you become an outlier, in the context of Malcolm Gladwell's book, Outliers.

Fairness. You believe in fairness and equality. If you are wrong, you admit it. You make sure everyone in your family or group gets a fair chance. You don't want to take credit for somebody else's achievements but instead make sure that praise goes to the person who deserves it. You feel frustrated when you see others treated unfairly.

Forgiveness. You are not one to hold a grudge and revenge does not interest you. You do not intentionally hurt someone even though they have injured you in the past. You have the ability to let go of blame, anger, and frustration. You realize that forgiveness means canceling any wrongdoing that has been done against you and moving on in the right direction.

Gratitude. You feel that you are blessed, regardless of what has happened in the past. Even in the midst of hard times, you maintain perspective on all the good things in your life and feel lucky of small gifts that come your way. You appreciate people and what they bring into your life. 

Hope. You believe that circumstances will become better. It is a wish in your heart that good things will come, even if your surroundings are dreary. This quotation sums up hope for you: "Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible." You also know that it is when its darkest that stars appear their brightest.

Humility. You maintain the grace of humility, being aware that life is constantly changing. You realize that no matter how hard you work, there is no security in your today, more so in your tomorrow. Life can be taken at any moment, a misfortune can happen, and an event can turn your life upside down. You are aware that false pride is looking down on people while humility is looking with them and being with them.

Humor. When times get tough, you can still see what's funny in your situation. You have the ability to experience joy despite adversity. You have a gift of making people laugh to lessen tension. Humor keeps you sane and grounded.

Kindness. You have a feeling of good will to anyone or anything, including animals. Kind words, kind deeds, and benevolence show the best in you. For you, every act of kindness is a message from your heart to another heart, an unspoken "I care" statement. You use soft words and avoid gossiping, finding fault, and making negative judgements.

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Greetings, dear readers! This article is Part I of Seeing the Best in You. I hope you find this article resonating with you. Read Part II next week.

Don't forget to leave your comments below.

Meanwhile, enjoy your week! 

Are You Stuck?

You are responsible for your life. 

You can't keep blaming somebody else for your dysfunction. 

Life is really about moving on. 

~Oprah Winfrey

I have been reflecting about how some people who have unsatisfied needs are stuck, unable to satisfy and fulfill certain needs. In the process, they might become morally confused and diffused. Their integrity collapses under the burden of meeting some of their unsatisfied needs.

I remember studying Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs to understand human motivation. I became fascinated with his notion of the five human needs, arranged in a hierarchical order. Below is the chart:

For Maslow, human beings are motivated by unsatisfied needs, with basic needs calling for satisfaction first before one can move to self-actualizing needs. These basic needs are: physiological (survival needs such as water, air, food, sleep); safety (security in employment, heath insurance, safe neighborhood); social (belonging, love, and affection); and esteem (self-esteem, personal worth, social recognition, accomplishment). Once these needs are fulfilled, an individual can develop toward greater growth for self-actualization.

You might have some disagreements about Maslow's theory of motivation (which may not perfectly explain all of our life's goals and actions) but for now, let's focus on the first five basic needs. 

Do you know of some people who are stuck trying to fulfill their survival needs? Then their focus is the day-to-day need for food, water, sleep and other basic necessities that would ensure their survival. If these needs cannot be met, they could get stuck in this level. In the process of satisfying these needs, they may look for ethical ways to fulfill them (i.e., getting a job) or choose the easy but unethical route (i.e., steal, use people to fulfill their needs, engage in prostitution). 

In my research of older people and their motivation, there is evidence that they move towards broader attachments and connections as they age (i.e., religion and spirituality) while self-centeredness declines (Tornstam, 1999; Coleman, 2000). However, you might know of some older people who are still stuck in their survival needs, even if they are financially stable. As a result, they use unethical ways to obtain properties and money, to the extent of lying and committing forgery, to get what [they feel] they need.

Let's say a person has satisfied his survival and safety needs but his social and esteem needs are still  deficient for some reasons. Perhaps his former girlfriend left him which leads him to question his self worth. Using Maslow's theory, it is obvious that unless he is able to fulfill his social and esteem needs, he will be stuck in these levels.  In the process of satisfying his need of love, affection, and personal worth, he could become very selective (being careful not to re-experience being dumped) or may just fall for any girl that comes along. This person might even develop a dependent-obsessive personality, which in turn could turn off most girls.

Which level are you in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs? 

Are you stuck in any of these levels? 

What ethical ways will you choose to meet your needs?

Don't forget to share your comments below.

Have an awesome week, dear readers!

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Sources:

Coleman, P. (2000). Aging and the satisfaction of psychological needs (Commentary). Psychological Inquiry, 11, 291-293.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Retrieved from low.com/m_motivation/Hierarchy_of_Needs.asp

Tornstam, L. (1999). Transcendence in later life. Generations, 10-14.

A Peek At Integrity

In looking for people to hire, look for three qualities: integrity, 

intelligence and energy. And if they don’t have the first, 

the other two will kill you. 

~Warren Buffet 

If honesty did not exist, it would have to be invented, 

as it is the surest way of getting rich.

~Earl Nightingale

If you look at yourself in the mirror, and ask if you can be trusted with another person's life and possessions, and if, without blinking, your answer is Yes, then you are a person of integrity. 

If you are a person expecting others to have integrity, you must have it first yourself. In the words of St. Augustine, "That which you want to ignite in others has to be burning in yourself."

We are drawn to people with high moral standards. We like people we can trust. We feel safe with them. 

We desire our leaders to have integrity: citizens of any country clamor for it from their politicians; employees desire it from their managers and bosses; religious people expect it from their clergy and priests; and stockholders demand it from corporations.

We want to see integrity in our families: a truthful son, a faithful husband, a just father, an honest mother-in-law, a dependable daughter.

We expect integrity from our friends: their loyalty, honesty, trustworthiness, sincerity.

What is integrity?

The word originated from late Middle English, which means "intact." In Latin, it is "integritas", which means wholeness, completeness, purity, and integratedness. The dictionary defines it as "the quality of being steadfast and honest" (New Oxford American Dictionary). It implies good character, decency, fairness, sincerity, and trustworthiness. It is a key character strength and virtue (Peterson & Seligman, 2004).

Of the 555 personality-trait words (see Anderson's ratings, 1968), the two highest rated were sincere and honest, with loyal, truthful, trustworthy,  and  dependable all in the top 10. Conversely, liar and phony are the two least desirable traits, with dishonest, untruthful, dishonorable, and deceitful all in the bottom 10. 

Why is integrity important?

Personal strength. If you were to make a choice between an attractive but untrustworthy person and a plain but honest one, I am sure you will choose the plain but honest one. The honest person has personal power because this individual has set the bar high when it comes to personal values. The honest person will be sought after and will be in demand, while the dishonest one will ultimately lose family, friends, and social approval.

#1 quality in excellent leadership. A good leader says what he means and means what he says. He is consistent (i.e., fulfills promises and observes expectations he creates), coherent (i.e., acts on the basis of norms and values irrespective of the relationship in question, does not support double-standard of morality), and constant (i.e., acts the same way in similar situations, is not a chameleon; Kaptein, 2003).

Social necessity. Integrity is an important aspect of any civilized society. We go to our bank and expect that our saved money, up to the last centavo, is safe. We buy groceries and feel confident that the items we purchase are as good as the labels and expiry dates written on them, and in paying for them, we trust that we get the correct change, up to the last centavo. 

Your integrity (or lack of it) defines who you are. It specifies where you stand in in situations that call for tough decisions and responsible actions. 

Who you are will be shown in a day-to-day basis, when you have to make choices between competing values which could affect those people you love and care about.

Remember that between two values, always choose the higher value.

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This is just a peek at integrity. I am curious as to what factors lead some people to be liars, dishonest, cheaters, and deceitful. Is it their childhood environment? Is it their unmet needs? Is it the influence of others? Is it greed? Is it genetics (inheritable)?

Let me know if you have questions or if you want to suggest aspects of integrity to be discussed in my blog next week.

Thank you, dear readers, for visiting my website. Enjoy the rest of your week.

Sources:

Anderson, N. (1968). Likableness ratings of 555 personality-trait words. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 9, 272–279.

Kaptein, M. (2003). The diamond of managerial integrity. European Management Journal, 21(1), 99-108.

Peterson, C., & Seligman, M.E.P. (2004). Character strengths and virtues: A handbook and classification. New York: Oxford University Press. 

The Happiness Advantage

The art of living does not consist in preserving and clinging 
to a particular mode of happiness, but in allowing happiness 
to change its form without being disappointed by the change; 
happiness, like a child, must be allowed to grow up.  
~Charles L. Morgan

Today I will write about the happiness advantage--that which fuels creativity, success, and health.

Creativity. Recall the time when you created something remarkable such as a a poem, a painting, lyrics of a song, a vase out from clay, a radio, an antenna, an innovative idea, or any work that has some kind of value. What was your mood at that time? Depressed? Sad? Happy? Angry? Relaxed?

A meta-analysis by Baas, De Dreu, and Bernard (2008) examined 25 years of research (1981-2006) on the relationship between mood and creativity. The extensive study revealed that creativity is enhanced more by positive moods (e.g., happiness) when compared to neutral moods (e.g., being relaxed);  negative moods (e.g., sadness) were not associated with creativity. The meta-analysis covered 66 reports with a total of 102 independent samples and over 7,000 participants.

Creativity involves one's ability to solve problems, generate new insights, and create new products and services. It is critical to both survival and prosperity.

Success. We have been told by parents, teachers, and friends that if we work hard, we will be successful. And once we are successful, then we will be happy.

So we think that if we can finish a degree, find a high-paying job, find the person of our dream, then happiness will follow.

Research however shows the opposite: It is happiness that fuels success, not the other way around. This was also the core message of Shawn Achor's book, The Happiness Advantage.

An extensive review of relevant literature by Lyubomirsky, King, and Diener (2005) found compelling evidence that happiness (defined as the frequent experience of positive emotions), leads to successful outcomes within all of the major life domains (i.e., work, love, health). Being successful is defined as accomplishing those things that are valued by one’s culture and flourishing in terms of the goals set forth by one’s society.

The review was documented from three classes of evidence: cross-sectional, longitudinal, and experimental.

When Lyubomirsky, et al. examined cross-sectional studies, they discovered strong positive relations of happiness with an array of desirable attributes, propensities, and behaviors (e.g., positive perceptions of self and other, sociability, prosocial behavior, likability, creativity, and coping, among others).

When the same researchers explored a number of longitudinal studies they found that (a) long-term happiness precedes the successful outcomes with which it correlates (e.g., thriving, fulfilling and productive work, satisfying relationships, and superior mental and physical health); and (b) both long- term happiness and short-term positive emotions precede the desirable resources and characteristics with which they are related (e.g., prosocial behavior, physical well-being, and adaptive coping).

Lastly, they scrutinized a sizable experimental literature which offered strong evidence that short-term positive emotions cause a range of behaviors paralleling success (e.g., engagement with others and the environment, better conflict management, more flexibility and original thinking).

In short, this extensive review of related literature provides strong evidence that happiness can lead to success.

Health. If you are an unhappy person, it might be to your advantage to adapt a happy disposition or maybe learn how to be happy. An extensive review of literature by Diener and Chan (2011) indicated that subjective well-being (life satisfaction, absence of negative emotions, optimism, and positive emotions) causes better health and longevity. These researchers reviewed 160 studies to determine if subjective well-being, such as happiness, predict health and longevity.

Diener and Chan found substantial and compelling evidence that subjective well-being (i.e., being happy) was related to health and longevity while negative emotions (i.e., depression, anger) play a major role in the development of cardiovascular disease and its progression.

They have other interesting findings: optimists had a quicker post-surgical recovery among bypass patients; pessimists had higher blood pressure levels; positive emotions were related to better immune function and greater tolerance for pain.

The evidences from the studies mentioned above highlights the benefits of positive emotions such as  happiness. However, it would be unreasonable to conclude that only happiness accounts for all forms of success and thriving. There are other variables, such as intelligence, family connections, lifestyle,  and physical fitness that contribute to one's creativity, success, and health and longevity.

I wish you "chronic happiness," my readers!

Enjoy your week. Be happy!

Don't forget to leave your comments below.



References:

Baas, M.,  De Dreu, C., & Nijstad, B. A. (2008). A meta-Analysis of 25 years of mood–creativity research: Hedonic tone, activation, or regulatory focus? Psychological Bulletin, 134(6), 779 – 806.

Diener, E. & Chan, M. Y.  (2011). Happy people live longer: Subjective well-being contributes to health and longevity. Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being. doi:10.1111/j.1758-0854.2010.01045.x

Lyubomirsky, S.,  King, L. & Diener, E. (2005). The benefits of frequent positive affect: Does happiness lead to success? Psychological Bulletin, 131(6), 803– 855.